Update

Honestly, I'm not a fan of posting to this blog these days. I like the fact that part of my story is documented. I dislike the fact that Will knows about this blog. He can come at any moment and read the things I have written here.

That makes me uncomfortable. This was a place I created to vent my feelings.

With that being said, I'm going to do an update post. It's likely that I will do one of these each month going forward. I feel that will be enough of a time frame to post what has been going on with me.

I decided that with my next paycheck - I am taking the kids and leaving. I'm going to move out with them. I know there will be many things on my plate that I am going to need to handle right away.

First of all, I am going to file for custody of the kids. Currently, nobody has custody. We are a couple but not married.

To avoid unnecessary future drama, I feel that establishing custody and visitation are going to be two very important items going forward. I also need to make sure that any contact that happens between us is documented via email. I am going to ask that he only communicate with me via email. This protects both of us from misunderstandings.

I also have to remind myself that once I leave - I am done. There can't be another chance. One of the big problems that I feel I have - is giving people way to many chances. We have had ample time to make this relationship into something viable. It hasn't happened yet. It's not going to happen.

I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Me, the kids and him. However, it's necessary. It's coming into 2018. I can't spend another year living to make anybody else happy. I need to spend this next year living to make myself happy.

That's all there is to it. I don't feel guilty. I used to feel insane amounts of guilt every single time I thought about walking away. It's not happening any longer.

I will put myself and the kids at the head of the table. Yes, this is going to be the hardest things that I have ever done in my entire life. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. I've always had someone else there to pick up the slack.

It's not going to be that way. I'm going to need to get the kids and I into counseling. I'm going to have to make therapy an important part of my recovery. I know that this is what I must do to become as strong and healthy as possible.

It's a hard thing. There isn't a soul in this world that looks forward to breaking up their family. Sometimes, though, you do what you have to do for yourself. You don't owe your partner anything. Especially not once things have turned toxic.

And hey, I'm not perfect either. I take responsibility for the choices I made that brought us to where we are. Just because I made those choices, though, doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of my life paying for them.

I love and value myself and my kids way to much to hold onto this unhealthy dynamic.

Just keep doing the best you can

I'm done whining and complaining about the state of my life. I feel like I've done way to much of that over the last few years.

Looking back on this blog - I see that I've complained a lot.

Complaining is just unproductive. What I need to be doing is taking action.

I'm going to work really hard going forward to focus on the good things that I have in my life.

I want to get my first product launched. It's important to me that I make building an online business my #1 focus right now.

The truth is - I need money to change my situation. Part of me thinks that if I had more money then it would be easier to make the decisions that I need to make.

I don't want the kids to have to do without. I have this huge fear that I'm not going to be able to provide for them.

School has been going really well. I took out a loan to help with getting moved into a new place.

I've been getting good grades.

Work is also going well. I am grateful to have a job that brings me income into the house on a consistent basis.

I've also been doing a good job of meditating more often. I'm trying to slow things down and honor my feelings more.

Baby steps but it's better than sitting around and hoping that life will get better.

I've really pissed him off now

I've been more outspoken this last week then I have over the entire last 8 years of my relationship with Will.

I am starting to really see that things in my life are much worse than I initially thought they were.

I have no doubt that there are people in the world who have lives much worse than mine.

That doesn't change the fact that I feel the situation I am currently living in is pretty severe.

I have been controlled and isolated for 8 years. I'm finally standing up and speaking about it.

I changed my Facebook password and even set my Facebook to prevent him from seeing any of my posts.

I thought that changing all of my passwords bought me a little bit of freedom. I was totally wrong about that.

He still found a way to go through my stuff. He found the post I made where I talked about what my life is like.

It was part of a challenge I joined last week. I had to write to someone I admired. I selected Lisa Nichols.

He was really angry when he saw what I wrote.

He felt like I exaggerated. He said I was a victim looking for sympathy.

Several times, when arguing this weekend, he has called me Destini. Destini is my daughter. He called me her name multiple times and told me that I was a liar like her.

The question then is why do I feel it's acceptable to be treated this way?

The answer is - I don't feel its acceptable. I feel that it is highly unacceptable.

I'm just in a position where there is not a ton that I can do to change things.

Money is an issue. I don't have a lot of money right now.

We got evicted from our home in August and things have been rough since then.

I don't have much extra money. I don't have first months rent and security to get moved into a new place. I would need about $1500 to be able to move out with the kids.

How do I save up that amount and pay for all of our living expenses which include car insurance, gas, rent, utilities and food?

I work but I only make about $750 every two weeks. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

It's entirely possible that I simply have a victim mindset and I am waiting for somebody to come and rescue me.

That's what he says. I just want some white knight to come rolling in.

It's nice when someone else can tell you what your reality is, isn't it?

The biggest issue I feel like I have right now is that my brain is broken. I don't feel that I can trust myself to make decisions. I doubt everything about myself.

I don't even know if I'm real anymore.

Am I even living or is this a nightmare that I can't wake up from?

We had a crazy weekend here at home. It all started on Saturday morning when I woke up around 7:30 AM.

Suzy and Jaiden were up already. I was still in bed. I heard Suzy start crying really loudly downstairs and I heard her being spanked.

I have PTSD and spanking is a trigger for me. I don't like to spank my kids. I never have. It's something that we have talked about multiple times.

At one point, we actually had to meet with CYS (Children and Youth Services) and they reminded him that he has permission to spank the kids - but that he can't leave a mark.

I guess what I mean is that this was not a new issue for us. He already knows that I have a problem with this happening.

So, when I go downstairs, I know that he has spanked them and I'm not happy. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me but I was upset.

Around 11 AM, my daughters shirt came up and I noticed a huge hand print on her bottom. I could see the outline of the hand and I was livid.

I wanted to take a picture but I knew I couldn't. He has had my phone for almost the last month because his broke. Which is fine. It's not like I mind sharing my phone.

The problem with that, though, was that he didn't even bother to ask. And when I would bring it up, he would tell me that most spouses (Yeah, we aren't even married...) should be glad to help their partner out by sharing their phone with them.

Besides, I don't leave to go to work, so why do I really need a phone?

Which is bullshit. I need a phone because I want a phone. And, because the phone he took from me, was my phone. I pay the bill on it and at the end of the day, it's my phone. Why should I even need to explain that?

So, like I said, I couldn't even take a picture. Even though I really wanted to document the fact that Suzy was being spanked again when I asked that it not happen.

He let me take the car (which is my car - again - by the way) and go to the store to get cigarettes. Which I did. Then, I drove to Wal-Mart.

I had just gotten paid and I had my paycheck on my card. I ran into Wal-Mart and I bought myself a cheap phone. I then sat in the parking lot and activated it.

I called my therapist at the shelter and told her what happened and I was really upset. She recommended that I go back home and get the kids.

I told her that wasn't happening. That if I go back, there isn't a way for me to get back out again.

She called the state police (we live in a rural area) and they said they would meet me at my house.

I rushed over there and the police turned down my street and went right past our house. I had to follow them and flag them down to get them to turn around.

We go back to my house and the police are telling him that we need to separate and cool off. They let him know I'll be leaving with the kids.

Of course, he has my son fresh out of the shower and says we were just getting ready to take the kids to see Santa.

The whole time, he keeps saying that I should have communicated with him and told him how I was feeling. I told him I couldn't. Every-time I try to have a conversation and communicate with him; he shuts down and won't talk to me.

NOTHING ever really gets resolved.

I think things will be fine. I'll get the kids ready and we will be off.

Turns out, there wasn't a warrant for my arrest for a failure to appear over a parking ticket of all things. The police say if I can pay $135 dollars right then I will be free to get in the car and leave.

I made a split second decision. I didn't want the kids to miss out on seeing Santa but I really needed a break. Plus, he always said if I took the car he would't be able to get around.

I told the police to go ahead and take me into custody. Even though I had the money, I just wanted to get away right in that moment. It might not have been the best decision but it worked for me.

The officer took me to meet the officer from the county where the fine was due. The put handcuffs on me and placed me into the car. My one regret is that the kids had to see me that way.

The officer picked me up and took me to the ATM to get the money.

I made up my mind that I was going to rent a hotel room alone for the night. I thought it might be pretty relaxing to spend a whole night by myself. It's not something that I usually get to do.

When I took the money from the ATM - I forgot to get my car. The ATM must have sucked it back in but I didn't notice until later.

The officer let me make a call and I reached out to my Grandmother. She basically told me that I only reach out to her when I need something. It really hurt my feelings because I was hoping that at least one of my family members would be understanding.

I get it. I understand why my family gets upset that I don't keep in touch. They don't understand my life, though. They don't understand that I have no control over what happens. It feels like he runs everything and I don't ever get to make a decision.

So, after all that, at the end of the day - I ended up calling him to come and pick me up. I didn't have the money for a hotel and no place to go.

I'm not even allowed at the shelter again unless there is a violent incident at home. I've just cried wolf to many times for people to even believe me.

Story of my life...

Does anybody even read these?

Does anybody even see these posts.

I don't think they do. I don't even know why I still post on here.

My life hasn't changed at all since my last update. There is still tension at home. Fighting and drama.

I want to make a change but the thought of making changes makes me more afraid than actually changing.

I have complex PTSD. Is that why?

On top of it, I looked at the profile of someone I was in the hospital with. It's a guy.

Of course, Will got upset and mad. I don't blame him. I would be mad at him if he looked up a girls profile.

Do you want to know the truth though?

This guy and I became friends in the hospital. Nothing more than that.

It doesn't even matter though. Will's phone broke a couple of weeks ago and now he has mine.

He's been using it for the last few weeks. I paid the bill last week and I haven't even been able to hold onto it.

It's mine though. Shouldn't I have access to my own phone?

Not in this house I don't.

He told me tonight that I spend to much time on Facebook. He also told me that I needed to give up my dream of building an information marketing business. He told me I am just wasting my time.

How is it his right to decide what I can and cannot do with me? Why did I hand over the reins and allow another human being to decide my life for me?

It's Saturday

Well, today is Saturday. Will brought over the lawn mower to cut the lawn at our house.

Matt is staying at a friends house. I gave him $10.00 to take with him. I know the last 2 or 3 times that he's gone out - he went without any type of money.

Not that I think he should have money every single times he goes. I just think that from time to time, it's nice to give him money to spend.

He got offered a brand new mattress from one of the guys he works with. It's a $600 dollar mattress. I'm happy that Matt is going to have a nice mattress to sleep on.

I'm not happy about the fact that our relationship feels uncomfortable on an almost regular basis. I don't feel comfortable bringing up any issues or problems in our relationship. Usually, when I do, he gets very defensive. He then lashes out at me for attacking him.

Truthfully, I'm not even trying to attack him. I just think he gets defensive anytime that you try to set a boundary.

And that sucks. There should be boundaries in your relationship. A relationship should be healthy. It should make you feel good and not bad.

That's the biggest problem I know of. The fact that our relationship makes me feel bad inside. It's the never ending drama. It's the constant fighting and arguing over everything. It's being afraid to speak up and defend myself. It's having to give in and be the "bigger" man. It's being put down on a daily basis.

How do you change things when your partner is not willing to try and work things out? I mean, if at least we could acknowledge some of the issues then we could begin to solve some of them.

Things just don't change

It's been almost a month since I posted to my blog.

I found out that Will was reading my blog. I made some changes to it.

He got butt-hurt because it's about him. You know what I would do if someone wrote a blog about me? I would try to improve to make our relationship better.

It's not that way with him. He can't improve because he's perfect just the way he is.

And the fighting. We have been fighting again over stupid stuff. Nothing new but I was starting to believe that things were going to be okay finally.

I got another job. I was supposed to start yesterday.

This morning, Jaiden wanted to walk. Will got angry because he said he waited for us. Why not just let the child walk down to the street?

Let me tell you why. Because he loses control when he gives in to the demands of a 5 year old child.

Its insane and quite honestly - I feel like I'm done.

I'm sick of every single day being a fight. I've been to therapy. I've signed our daughter up for therapy.

It doesn't even matter because nothing changes.

I mean, I had to start this blog just to prove to myself that I'm not insane. I've got years worth of posts here and still - I stay.

Gratitude? From him? Never. He can't be grateful when he gets his joy in life from knocking me down.

It's been awhile - update on my crazy life

It's been a little while since I updated this blog. Life hasn't been peachy. I don't even honestly know if it's on the way back up again.

I'm at the library doing my school work. I've got two more weeks left of my classes before it's time for another class.

I can't wait until I graduate and receive my Associates degree. I have already decided that once I do, I am going back to school and getting my Bachelors degree.

We made it through our eviction and we were staying at a hotel. We found a house to rent. It only costs us $275.00 to move in. (Not any of my money - let's be clear that it was Will who was able to rent us a place to live..)

Speaking of Will, he's been reading my blog and decided to throw it in my face that I feel that he has a personality disorder. Let's be perfectly clear. I believe that the relationship I have with Will is a highly toxic relationship. He may be guilty and I may be guilty. Regardless of what the source is of the toxicity - the fact is - it exists.

We fight consistently. As a matter of fact, we had a fight already this morning. We got into an argument this morning. The crazy part of our argument is that I don't even remember exactly what we got started fighting over. Will said he was going to have someone from work give him a ride. It went on for a good 10 to 15 minutes before I just ended up driving him.

See, the problem is, I hate to fight. I am so sick and tired of fighting all the time. It gets old. Will doesn't trust me because there was a point in time where I talked to another man behind his back. I had an ad on Craigslist. I was lonely. It was risky. I did end up meeting someone at a Dunkin Donuts and the insane part of the whole thing is that I have been 100% honest with Will about the entire incident. I may have been dishonest but I owned up to my mistake.

Still - he throws it in my face on an almost daily basis. What I can't understand about the whole damned thing - is that if what I did is that terrible - then he needs to break up with me. Right? If your partner created an Ad on Craigslist and talked to other guys behind your back and EVEN went so far as to meet one .. would they still be your partner?

What if that wasn't the first time they did such a thing? What if you couldn't trust them AT all? Would you stay? Most people would not. Most people would recognize that the situation is toxic and they would strive to create a healthy life for themselves no matter how much they love their partner. At some point, you just have to say, enough is enough.

Maybe I vented to much here but I'm all about honesty. I'm really tired of being told that I'm a bad person. I'm sick of not feeling supported by Will. He can get butt-hurt all he wants but our relationship is toxic and unhealthy. I'm calling it for what it is.

I got a new job and I start on Monday. I'm going to be doing customer support again at an office. The hours are 8 to 4:30 but I am struggling to figure out daycare. My 5 year old starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and Suzy can go to headstart. I talked to them today and they said they don't have a bus that can bring her. I said, thats ok. I'm going to work in that town and I can bring her to the daycare and the bus can pick her up there.

That gets me a discount on daycare because headstart (for 5 hours a day) is free.

I've been so pathetically broke for the last couple of months. It's been really hard. I finally got my Fiverr money that I earned the other day. (It was $75.00) and will actually gave me $45.00. I think I went crazy because I spent $30.00 on my hair and $20.00 of it on a shirt and makeup. The rest I spent on the family and gas. Will kept reminding me of how broke we were and was a little angry at me for spending it.

I mean, I guess I can understand but I just wanted to do something nice for myself because it's been so long since I did.

I'm going to pray really hard the next few days that this job works out and that daycare gets situated. I have GOT to start making money. I don't know if you know what its like to be so broke that you have to decided between gas money or food for your kids but it sucks ass.

Til next time ..

I did it again

And no, this is not a Britney Spears song. 

I took the kids yesterday and went back to the shelter. I packed up what I could manage to fit into my car and I took all three of them to the shelter with me. 

When we got there, the kids were off the wall wild (as they usually are in a new place..) and they kept running into the bedrooms of the other women who were staying there. 

I also found out that Will has been reading my blog so I honestly think I am going to abandon writing here. I thought it was safe to post here. I was wrong. 

He sent me a message yesterday. I messaged him and told him I went to the shelter. Now, let's take a good hard look at this, ok? My son told me (my 15-year-old) that Will has been asking him if I left yet. That means that he already had an idea that I want to leave. 

Not only that, since he has been reading this blog, he knows exactly how I am feeling. Yet, he still tells me I am just a victim. 

Back to the message I got last night when he realized I was gone. I messaged him and said I had taken the kids to the shelter. He messaged me a long message and told me I was a liar. That he had saved up all kinds of dirt on me and that he was going to show it all to my kids. I remember the last line of the message said if he never sees me again it will be to fucking soon and he hates me.

Let me tell you how broken my brain is. Despite all of the nasty things he said to me - I came back here. Where else am I going to go? I have nowhere to go. 

He deleted the nasty message he sent to me before I got up this morning. I'm sure he also spent a good hour or so combing through my phone to make sure I'm being good. 

Like I said, I won't be posting to this blog any longer. What difference would it really make anyway? 

Random Thoughts

I dropped off the kids at 9 AM. I went for a drive but I wanted to hurry home. Will stopped by yesterday when I was driving to the shelter. He wanted to know where I was at. I said I went for a drive. He gave me this crazy look and told me that I never go for a drive.

He tried to tell me what my actual reality is. That I never go for a drive so I must be lying to him. I mean, come on. Honestly, didn't I go for a drive? I mean, I didn't tell him where I drove to but I did indeed take a drive. I just didn't disclose where I went because it would start a fight.

He's also been checking my devices again. Every time I open my email its set to the sent or trash box. He is going in and reading all of my emails and checking every move I make again. It scares me.

You see, I'm not allowed to end our relationship. If I do, he's going to get a narcissistic injury and he's going to get very angry at me. OR, he will be extra nice and make all of these promises about how he's going to change. He will go to counseling and on and on and on.

Now here we are in the most fucked up situation we have ever been in. I can't help but put some of the blame on him as well. I know I lost my job but he could have worked something out with the landlord. He could have kept the water from getting shut off. He could have been working on finding us another place to live.

He is as guilty as I am. Does that mean that we should go down together though? Is it wrong to want to take my kids and get out of this mess while I can?

I looked at some pictures of me from 2011 this morning and I didn't recognize myself. There isn't a light inside of my eyes anymore. I don't even feel alive. I have turned into a shell of a human being. I have had to repress who I am. I have been hiding from the world. I don't even know how to function as a human being without him there to tell me what to do and how to do it.

I'm even past the point of blame. Does it really matter who's fault it is that we have ended up where we are? I don't think it does. I think what really matters is that we have become toxic to each other and our children.

To get to the point of my drive this morning, I had this strange thought occur to me. I feel like Jaycee Duggard. Do yall remember her? She was kidnapped at 11 and had two kids with her captor. Even when she had a chance to escape - she didn't take it. What kept her from running away when she was able to do so?

A trauma bond. The same thing I have with Will. Fear keeps me rooted in place. I don't know anything different. I could leave - I may be isolated but I have times where I am alone and I could go - but I don't. I'm stuck in place. I'm terrified of packing my stuff and going. Same as she was. I can understand exactly what drove her to stay stuck in place.

I want to overcome this fear. I want to step into the sun and reclaim ownership of my life. I want to be independent. I just can't take that first step.

I did go to the shelter but I didn't exactly stay there..

So yesterday I went to the shelter while the kids were at school. The staff wasn't there. I wasn't able to call them first because I don't have a phone right now.

Today is the day we have to have all of our stuff out of the house. I believe the constable is going to be here tomorrow (it's the 10th day) to put all of our stuff on the curb.

I keep believing that this is a message that it's time for me to take the kids and start over. I can't though. I feel terrible leaving. The idea of leaving Will alone feels me with guilt. Why can't I just walk away?

You know - I've been told over and over again that I'm selfish. That I don't love him. That I have no feelings. As a matter of fact, he told me just last night, "Why don't you love me?"

I mean, come on?!?! I'm still here? Doesn't that make you think that maybe I love you? With everything going on I am yet to abandon ship. Even after being told by countless people that I'm being emotionally manipulated.

He's been nice pretty much all week long. Which, of course, he would be, I'm the one getting the assistance for a new place. He can't do it without me. Why wouldn't he want to be nice to me?

I'm going to call some more agencies today but the smart thing to do is just go. I wish I had someone to reach out to who understands my situation. I feel so alone.

Heading to the shelter today

Ok, well, I have made up my mind and decided that I'm going to head over to the shelter today with the kids.

It's a decision that I don't want to make. I hate the fact that I am leaving but I know that I have to do what is best for myself and the kids. It's not wrong to do that.

Still, I feel like it is. It's breaking my heart to make this choice.

I have to be strong though. My kids are struggling as well.

I keep reminding myself that he had the income. He was the one working when I lost my job. Nobody is perfect but you don't leave your partner to struggle when you can do something about it.

Do I hate him? Not at all. I just think that we are two people who have tried (for over 7 years) to make a viable relationship out of what we have. It has not worked. No matter how hard we tried.

Is that anyone's fault? I don't think so. I just feel like it's not meant to be.

I have to be strong over the next few weeks. It's going to be hard to get life back on track.

This blog is the only place I can go (besides my journal) to vent how I really feel. Nobody knows what's going on in my life. I don't want anybody to know. I just wish I had one friend or family member that I could pick up the phone and call. There just isn't anyone to reach out to.

I don't want my life to be that way. I want friends. I want people that I can talk to.

The kids are going to struggle but leaving a bad relationship is better than staying and trying to make it work. Especially when your partner doesn't want to go to any type of therapy.

I feel like such a wreck.

Stay strong. Keep moving forward. Don't give up. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else does.

Still here.. why?

So, once again, I failed to act. I came so close.

I wasn't able to leave Friday. I chickened out and I couldn't do it.

Things are really starting to get rough though. The water has been off for over a week. I'm getting evicted. We have two days left before the constable shows up. When they do, they will take all of our stuff outside and put it on the curb.

It's embarrassing. Child Services showed up at the house today. She said she was here because of the eviction and the utilities being shut off. She offered to help if she can.

I don't know how anybody can help. I don't think this situation is going to get any better. I hate having that outlook. I'm a positive person. I try to always look on the bright side of things.

What are we going to do, though? Why did I lose my job? I look back and I wish I never would have let it happen. I still blame myself totally. I should blame myself. It's my fault.

I start a new job on Monday, July 31st. I don't know what to do.

I should take the kids to the shelter. I should pack them up, all 3 of them, and start again.

I can't leave him. It feels wrong to abandon him. What if he can't make it on his own?

I have got to get this figured out. Time is running out.

I think I'm going to leave today

Well, I guess today is the day. I'm a bundle of nerves and I feel like throwing up.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that I was hired for a Liability Coordinator position with a mental health center. Honestly, this is my dream job. I am going back to school and getting my degree in Medical Billing and Coding. To have a job in my industry, before I even graduate AND in the field I want to work in, is more than just luck.

I feel so grateful right now. I'm also afraid. They wanted me to start work Monday. That's 3 days from now. With everything going on I just can't. I was able to get my start date pushed back to July 31 but its only getting closer.

That means that before next Monday I have to get the kids settled in daycare. I also need to have a place to live because we are literally evicted from our home. Will stopped paying the rent when I lost my job. I think I mentioned that he wants me to get a social service agency to pay our first months rent and security to move into a new place. I don't want to do that because I feel like he needs to step up.

He didn't even get me a birthday card. I'm at a crossroads. Do I want to continue to live this way or do I want to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown? Pack our stuff and move my kids and I into the shelter. Start a fabulous new job and have a fantastic life?

OR do I want to stay here. In the house that has no water because it got shut off. (Oh, and he thinks we should just leave it off and not pay the bill. We are getting evicted anyway. That's another week at least with no water...) And reach out to a local agency and have them pay our rent because my boyfriend decided he didn't want to pay it.

Still, in the back of my head I hear his voice and I feel guilty. I think of the good times. I remember that we have two children together. I didn't want my kids to be raised in a broken home. I wanted them to have both parents.

Then I hear his voice again. "You are just a victim" "You are crazy like the rest of your family"
"It's not my fault you don't understand how to be loyal". Words hurt. I know that I have said nasty things as well. Doesn't that make me the abusive one as well?

If he won't go to therapy how can things change? If he won't acknowledge that our life is not ok will things change? Am I truly selfish for wanting a better life for me and my kids? Don't I deserve happiness?

I have to make a stand. I have to remember that if this script were going to be any different it would have changed already. I have to remind myself that he didn't even make or buy me a birthday card. I have to remind myself that I drove to the hospital and gave birth alone because he was being stubborn. He refused to go with me. I have to remember the new desk he bought me but then got angry at me for something I did and refused to put it together for me. I remember sitting on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks while I put it together alone. Every time he got mad at me in the grocery store and walked away and left me standing there alone.

Am I just a victim? Is this abuse? Maybe it's not. Maybe I don't have it so bad. Maybe it could be much worse than it is. Aren't I lucky that my children's father stuck around? Is happiness overrated?

I remember that he refuses to marry me. He won't even put a ring on my finger. Is that someone who loves me? If he doesn't want to marry me then WHY is he even with me.

Please let me find the strength to follow through on this. I don't know if I am going to be able to post when I get into the shelter. I may not have access to the internet. I'll try my best to keep this blog updated. I have come to far to quit.

Met with my psychiatrist yesterday..

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I didn't want to go. I told him when I got there that I was a mess.

He said that was the best time to be there. (haha) I told him how bad things have gotten at home. We are about to be evicted and our water has been shut off for almost a week.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wonderful has been all over me to fix things. He wants me to get some type of agency to pay our rent to move to a new place. You know - I sat down and realized that I have been the one keeping us above water for the last 7 years.

Everytime there is a problem, I step up and fix it. I also realized that every place we have lived has been obtained by me. I always pay the first months rent and security and make sure the bills get paid.

I'm out of work right now. I was going to trauma therapy and it got to be to much. I realized in therapy that nobody can fix the mess I am in except for me. That was a scary moment. All this time I have been kicked back waiting on someone to rescue me.

That's just not real life though. Nobody knows how bad things are at home. I mean, aside from the internet, nobody really knows me anyway. I just mean that people who do know me look at the outside appearances and think it's all great.

We got into another nasty argument last night and when it was over he told me he loved me. He loves me so much and he can't imagine life without me. Yet, when he's pissed at me, he tells me what an awful person I am. I am a terrible mother. I'm crazy like the rest of my family. I need meds. On and on and on it goes.

So, like a normal person would do, I ask him why he stays with me if I'm obviously such a fucking wreck. His response? Because he can't leave his kids alone with me because I'll ruin their lives. I mean really? Is that even a valid response to someone you love?!?!

I don't know anymore. I really don't.

So, my psychiatrist says I don't need any meds. This is a doctor who went to college for way more years than my boyfriend. He says I am at a turning point.

I told him that if I was smart then I would just take my kids, go to the shelter and start my life all over again.

He says to me - is that the advice you would give to a friend or family member in your situation? I said yes.

So why don't you do it then? He asks.

I can't leave him. (I'm sobbing now) He needs me. Families stick together. I would be an awful person if I did. What if he can't make it on his own?

Fuck him. He says. Just like the counselor at the shelter told me and now my psychiatrist is telling me that he is not my responsibility. It is not my job to fix him, take care of him or anything else I feel that I am obligated to be doing.

I can't understand why it's so hard. I mean, I guess it has something to do with the dynamics of this type of relationship.

7 years. We have been a couple for 7 years and the bad times outweigh the good like you would not believe.

I look back - and I think of our 4 year old daughter. The night I went into labor with her we had been arguing because of something petty. When I told him I was in labor, he refused to go to the hospital with me. He was so pissed at me.

I got in the car and made it to the end of our street and I turned around and went back. I stood in our doorway and begged him to come to the hospital with me. He refused. I drove myself and had her alone. The nurses were there to help but he missed her birth.

Then, as I lay in the hospital recuperating, he called yelling at me for leaving him with no car. I spent the next few hours doing my best to get him a ride and I finally succeeded.

He gets to the hospital and spends 5 minutes with me and his new daughter then he takes the car keys and he's gone.

Yet I stay after this incident and many others like it.

I want to put a stop to this. I want to start over with my kids. I want to be strong enough to walk away and help others. I can't live my lifes purpose inauthentic. I can't help anyone else until I can help myself...

I'm a Fraud

It's true. I never even left. Can you believe that? Ok, that's not true. I did leave. I left and went to a shelter more times than I can count. I always come back. Why? That's the part I am trying to figure out still.

I don't understand why I feel its okay to stay with someone who regularly puts me down. I called and talked to a Domestic Violence counselor today and she told me that he is emotionally manipulating me.

She's right. I'm allowing him to take away my power. Not only that, we are butting heads over and over about how the kids should be raised.

That's the part of this whole situation that I can't wrap my head around. My kids are looking at our relationship and thinking that it's a normal situation. I'm messing up my kids. I'm preparing them for years of therapy.

We had an argument earlier because I filmed a Facebook Live video today. Totally normal, right? No harm. I hurt nobody.

He hates when I make videos. He can do it but I can't. I'm not allowed to have a life. He's taken my life away from me and I have allowed it to happen.

I didn't get a birthday gift from him yesterday. He said it was because money is tight - and it is - but last time I checked a dollar store card costs a dollar still. He does it because he can.

I was crying and my daughter hugged me and said, "Why are you making Mommy cry on her birthday?" The worst part of the day, honestly, was when my kids asked me where my presents were. I finally grabbed some things of mine and told them that I had already opened my presents.

I think about the fact that last year I had to miss my Dads funeral because he didn't want me to fly down south alone. Once again, a reasonable thing that I allowed to be taken away from me.

I guess I blame myself way more than I blame him. Will I ever be strong enough to end this once and for all?

I tend to believe in the law of attraction and it says I am responsible for my life. I made the choices that got me here. I have no family to call. I have no friends to reach out to. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life or will I finally get the courage to say F*CK IT?!?!?!?