I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I didn't want to go. I told him when I got there that I was a mess.
He said that was the best time to be there. (haha) I told him how bad things have gotten at home. We are about to be evicted and our water has been shut off for almost a week.
Meanwhile, Mr. Wonderful has been all over me to fix things. He wants me to get some type of agency to pay our rent to move to a new place. You know - I sat down and realized that I have been the one keeping us above water for the last 7 years.
Everytime there is a problem, I step up and fix it. I also realized that every place we have lived has been obtained by me. I always pay the first months rent and security and make sure the bills get paid.
I'm out of work right now. I was going to trauma therapy and it got to be to much. I realized in therapy that nobody can fix the mess I am in except for me. That was a scary moment. All this time I have been kicked back waiting on someone to rescue me.
That's just not real life though. Nobody knows how bad things are at home. I mean, aside from the internet, nobody really knows me anyway. I just mean that people who do know me look at the outside appearances and think it's all great.
We got into another nasty argument last night and when it was over he told me he loved me. He loves me so much and he can't imagine life without me. Yet, when he's pissed at me, he tells me what an awful person I am. I am a terrible mother. I'm crazy like the rest of my family. I need meds. On and on and on it goes.
So, like a normal person would do, I ask him why he stays with me if I'm obviously such a fucking wreck. His response? Because he can't leave his kids alone with me because I'll ruin their lives. I mean really? Is that even a valid response to someone you love?!?!
I don't know anymore. I really don't.
So, my psychiatrist says I don't need any meds. This is a doctor who went to college for way more years than my boyfriend. He says I am at a turning point.
I told him that if I was smart then I would just take my kids, go to the shelter and start my life all over again.
He says to me - is that the advice you would give to a friend or family member in your situation? I said yes.
So why don't you do it then? He asks.
I can't leave him. (I'm sobbing now) He needs me. Families stick together. I would be an awful person if I did. What if he can't make it on his own?
Fuck him. He says. Just like the counselor at the shelter told me and now my psychiatrist is telling me that he is not my responsibility. It is not my job to fix him, take care of him or anything else I feel that I am obligated to be doing.
I can't understand why it's so hard. I mean, I guess it has something to do with the dynamics of this type of relationship.
7 years. We have been a couple for 7 years and the bad times outweigh the good like you would not believe.
I look back - and I think of our 4 year old daughter. The night I went into labor with her we had been arguing because of something petty. When I told him I was in labor, he refused to go to the hospital with me. He was so pissed at me.
I got in the car and made it to the end of our street and I turned around and went back. I stood in our doorway and begged him to come to the hospital with me. He refused. I drove myself and had her alone. The nurses were there to help but he missed her birth.
Then, as I lay in the hospital recuperating, he called yelling at me for leaving him with no car. I spent the next few hours doing my best to get him a ride and I finally succeeded.
He gets to the hospital and spends 5 minutes with me and his new daughter then he takes the car keys and he's gone.
Yet I stay after this incident and many others like it.
I want to put a stop to this. I want to start over with my kids. I want to be strong enough to walk away and help others. I can't live my lifes purpose inauthentic. I can't help anyone else until I can help myself...
