Much has changed since my last post. The shelter never got back to me which left me feeling frustrated. I called the Domestic Violence Helpline and they made me feel better. I was talking to a very nice lady when my internet dropped my Skype connection so we got disconnected.
She helped me to brainstorm and realize that maybe they did not get back to me because they are busy finding me space. She gave me options and said that if I did not hear from them today, to call back the National Line and they would advocate and help me find another place. Even if it is not super close by. That eased my mind and helped me to feel better. Maybe I will consider somewhere a little further away. A change of scenery sounds nice. Just not in PA. I am starting to hate PA.
Calling the National Violence Hotline has really helped me these last few weeks. Just talking to someone who knows what you are going through can really help you feel better.
It’s Tuesday and I’m so annoyed that I am not gone from the house yet. It seems like every time I take 2 steps forward I go 3 more backwards. I wanted to be out of here already but my plans didn’t go as I expected.
My daughter is going to be calling me for an update and it is going to be hard to tell her I am still here. It’s crazy because when I wasn’t quite ready to go - the option was there for me to leave. Now that I have made up my mind, I am having a hard time getting out of here.
I took mental stock of what I wanted to take when I go. It’s mostly clothes and personal items although all of the stuff in the house is mine. The TV, the Living Room Furniture, our bedroom furniture and the kids stuff. I bought all of it. The only thing he bought was my computer desk in the office.
The landlord contacted us to make an arrangement on the rent (We are being evicted - I’ll address that in another post) and of course he looked to me to pay the rent. “Hey, when you get paid can you pay the landlord?” In my head, I was thinking, why don’t you pay the landlord? Or, why not say, I’ll pay half the rent baby would you pay the other half.
It doesn’t happen that way though. I am just expected to pay for everything all the time. It’s so frustrating. I am sick and tired of being used.
There was a minor incident last night. He wanted to go to bed early because he had to work this morning. I wasn’t quite ready to go to sleep yet. He brings our blanket downstairs to sleep on the couch. Of course, that meant when I got ready to go to bed I would have no blanket. I got upset and he basically said I was starting a fight because I didn’t want him to be downstairs. The truth is - I just didn’t want to have to drag my blanket away from him!
Every conversation we have always turns into some type of fight. It really is a miserable way to live and I feel it more and more every single day. I long for the day when I can wake up and own my life.
I read a really good book on boundaries last night and I am going to practice what is listed in the book. I don’t ever want to be in this situation again. I want to live my life happy and free.
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