Today is Saturday, January 10, 2015.
I spoke to the shelter yesterday. I finally got myself moving towards ending this relationship. They said they aren’t going to have room for us until Sunday.
He is off on Sunday and says he is working all this up coming week. I am going to make my plan to leave while he is working. That will make it much easier to do.
I know that most of the time - when you leave someone - you sit down with them and explain that the relationship is no longer meeting your needs and you are ready to move on.
I can’t do that in this situation. If I tell him I don’t want to be with him then he will make a big scene. He won’t believe me. He will tell me I am just being moody and promise me he will fix all of our problems. I just don’t believe that anymore.
I am taking a huge risk putting anything down but I can’t help myself. I just want to write out my feelings. I want to be able to remember how unhappy I have been.
We got into the biggest argument while I was getting dressed. My Mom is coming to pick me up so I fixed my hair. He went on and on and on about how I only fix my hair when I go places with my Mom. He said I never try to look nice when he takes me out.
Why should I try to look nice? What’s the point? I haven’t been happy in forever and why would I even put forth the effort. I just don’t want to bother.
The truth is, though, that I am not fixing my hair because I am going with my Mom. I am fixing my hair because it makes me feel good. Nobody should ever have to justify to someone else why they are doing something that makes them feel good.
I feel like I have been trapped for so long. I have spent a long time making someone else happy at the expense of myself.
It’s funny, to, because I did not even realize that I was in an abusive relationship. It took an outsider to speak up for me to realize what was happening. I was working with two family therapists as well and they didn’t even see what was happening.. even though I told them enough that they should have been able to figure it out. They didn’t though. They were pushing for us to work things out even though it was at the expense of my mental health.
He told me while we were sitting at the table that while I was gone he was going to smoke weed with my babies. He said afterwards that it was a joke but who says that to somebody? Why?
That reminds me of an incident we had just a couple of days ago. I have severe anxiety and it usually centers around there being glass in my food. It’s one thing that really bothers me. He came in the kitchen with his mouth bleeding. I asked him what was wrong and he said there must have been glass in the food we just ate. He went on and on with it then finally said he was kidding. Again, why would someone say that to a person (they love) who already has anxiety? I just can’t figure it out.
I better wrap up here as my Mom is on the way to get me but I will write more as soon as I can. I look forward to the day I can write my feelings on paper and not be judged or have someone digging through my personal stuff to find it. Here’s to hoping.
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