It's been awhile - update on my crazy life

It's been a little while since I updated this blog. Life hasn't been peachy. I don't even honestly know if it's on the way back up again.

I'm at the library doing my school work. I've got two more weeks left of my classes before it's time for another class.

I can't wait until I graduate and receive my Associates degree. I have already decided that once I do, I am going back to school and getting my Bachelors degree.

We made it through our eviction and we were staying at a hotel. We found a house to rent. It only costs us $275.00 to move in. (Not any of my money - let's be clear that it was Will who was able to rent us a place to live..)

Speaking of Will, he's been reading my blog and decided to throw it in my face that I feel that he has a personality disorder. Let's be perfectly clear. I believe that the relationship I have with Will is a highly toxic relationship. He may be guilty and I may be guilty. Regardless of what the source is of the toxicity - the fact is - it exists.

We fight consistently. As a matter of fact, we had a fight already this morning. We got into an argument this morning. The crazy part of our argument is that I don't even remember exactly what we got started fighting over. Will said he was going to have someone from work give him a ride. It went on for a good 10 to 15 minutes before I just ended up driving him.

See, the problem is, I hate to fight. I am so sick and tired of fighting all the time. It gets old. Will doesn't trust me because there was a point in time where I talked to another man behind his back. I had an ad on Craigslist. I was lonely. It was risky. I did end up meeting someone at a Dunkin Donuts and the insane part of the whole thing is that I have been 100% honest with Will about the entire incident. I may have been dishonest but I owned up to my mistake.

Still - he throws it in my face on an almost daily basis. What I can't understand about the whole damned thing - is that if what I did is that terrible - then he needs to break up with me. Right? If your partner created an Ad on Craigslist and talked to other guys behind your back and EVEN went so far as to meet one .. would they still be your partner?

What if that wasn't the first time they did such a thing? What if you couldn't trust them AT all? Would you stay? Most people would not. Most people would recognize that the situation is toxic and they would strive to create a healthy life for themselves no matter how much they love their partner. At some point, you just have to say, enough is enough.

Maybe I vented to much here but I'm all about honesty. I'm really tired of being told that I'm a bad person. I'm sick of not feeling supported by Will. He can get butt-hurt all he wants but our relationship is toxic and unhealthy. I'm calling it for what it is.

I got a new job and I start on Monday. I'm going to be doing customer support again at an office. The hours are 8 to 4:30 but I am struggling to figure out daycare. My 5 year old starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and Suzy can go to headstart. I talked to them today and they said they don't have a bus that can bring her. I said, thats ok. I'm going to work in that town and I can bring her to the daycare and the bus can pick her up there.

That gets me a discount on daycare because headstart (for 5 hours a day) is free.

I've been so pathetically broke for the last couple of months. It's been really hard. I finally got my Fiverr money that I earned the other day. (It was $75.00) and will actually gave me $45.00. I think I went crazy because I spent $30.00 on my hair and $20.00 of it on a shirt and makeup. The rest I spent on the family and gas. Will kept reminding me of how broke we were and was a little angry at me for spending it.

I mean, I guess I can understand but I just wanted to do something nice for myself because it's been so long since I did.

I'm going to pray really hard the next few days that this job works out and that daycare gets situated. I have GOT to start making money. I don't know if you know what its like to be so broke that you have to decided between gas money or food for your kids but it sucks ass.

Til next time ..

Heading to the shelter today

Ok, well, I have made up my mind and decided that I'm going to head over to the shelter today with the kids.

It's a decision that I don't want to make. I hate the fact that I am leaving but I know that I have to do what is best for myself and the kids. It's not wrong to do that.

Still, I feel like it is. It's breaking my heart to make this choice.

I have to be strong though. My kids are struggling as well.

I keep reminding myself that he had the income. He was the one working when I lost my job. Nobody is perfect but you don't leave your partner to struggle when you can do something about it.

Do I hate him? Not at all. I just think that we are two people who have tried (for over 7 years) to make a viable relationship out of what we have. It has not worked. No matter how hard we tried.

Is that anyone's fault? I don't think so. I just feel like it's not meant to be.

I have to be strong over the next few weeks. It's going to be hard to get life back on track.

This blog is the only place I can go (besides my journal) to vent how I really feel. Nobody knows what's going on in my life. I don't want anybody to know. I just wish I had one friend or family member that I could pick up the phone and call. There just isn't anyone to reach out to.

I don't want my life to be that way. I want friends. I want people that I can talk to.

The kids are going to struggle but leaving a bad relationship is better than staying and trying to make it work. Especially when your partner doesn't want to go to any type of therapy.

I feel like such a wreck.

Stay strong. Keep moving forward. Don't give up. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else does.