I think I'm going to leave today

Well, I guess today is the day. I'm a bundle of nerves and I feel like throwing up.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that I was hired for a Liability Coordinator position with a mental health center. Honestly, this is my dream job. I am going back to school and getting my degree in Medical Billing and Coding. To have a job in my industry, before I even graduate AND in the field I want to work in, is more than just luck.

I feel so grateful right now. I'm also afraid. They wanted me to start work Monday. That's 3 days from now. With everything going on I just can't. I was able to get my start date pushed back to July 31 but its only getting closer.

That means that before next Monday I have to get the kids settled in daycare. I also need to have a place to live because we are literally evicted from our home. Will stopped paying the rent when I lost my job. I think I mentioned that he wants me to get a social service agency to pay our first months rent and security to move into a new place. I don't want to do that because I feel like he needs to step up.

He didn't even get me a birthday card. I'm at a crossroads. Do I want to continue to live this way or do I want to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown? Pack our stuff and move my kids and I into the shelter. Start a fabulous new job and have a fantastic life?

OR do I want to stay here. In the house that has no water because it got shut off. (Oh, and he thinks we should just leave it off and not pay the bill. We are getting evicted anyway. That's another week at least with no water...) And reach out to a local agency and have them pay our rent because my boyfriend decided he didn't want to pay it.

Still, in the back of my head I hear his voice and I feel guilty. I think of the good times. I remember that we have two children together. I didn't want my kids to be raised in a broken home. I wanted them to have both parents.

Then I hear his voice again. "You are just a victim" "You are crazy like the rest of your family"
"It's not my fault you don't understand how to be loyal". Words hurt. I know that I have said nasty things as well. Doesn't that make me the abusive one as well?

If he won't go to therapy how can things change? If he won't acknowledge that our life is not ok will things change? Am I truly selfish for wanting a better life for me and my kids? Don't I deserve happiness?

I have to make a stand. I have to remember that if this script were going to be any different it would have changed already. I have to remind myself that he didn't even make or buy me a birthday card. I have to remind myself that I drove to the hospital and gave birth alone because he was being stubborn. He refused to go with me. I have to remember the new desk he bought me but then got angry at me for something I did and refused to put it together for me. I remember sitting on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks while I put it together alone. Every time he got mad at me in the grocery store and walked away and left me standing there alone.

Am I just a victim? Is this abuse? Maybe it's not. Maybe I don't have it so bad. Maybe it could be much worse than it is. Aren't I lucky that my children's father stuck around? Is happiness overrated?

I remember that he refuses to marry me. He won't even put a ring on my finger. Is that someone who loves me? If he doesn't want to marry me then WHY is he even with me.

Please let me find the strength to follow through on this. I don't know if I am going to be able to post when I get into the shelter. I may not have access to the internet. I'll try my best to keep this blog updated. I have come to far to quit.

I'm a Fraud

It's true. I never even left. Can you believe that? Ok, that's not true. I did leave. I left and went to a shelter more times than I can count. I always come back. Why? That's the part I am trying to figure out still.

I don't understand why I feel its okay to stay with someone who regularly puts me down. I called and talked to a Domestic Violence counselor today and she told me that he is emotionally manipulating me.

She's right. I'm allowing him to take away my power. Not only that, we are butting heads over and over about how the kids should be raised.

That's the part of this whole situation that I can't wrap my head around. My kids are looking at our relationship and thinking that it's a normal situation. I'm messing up my kids. I'm preparing them for years of therapy.

We had an argument earlier because I filmed a Facebook Live video today. Totally normal, right? No harm. I hurt nobody.

He hates when I make videos. He can do it but I can't. I'm not allowed to have a life. He's taken my life away from me and I have allowed it to happen.

I didn't get a birthday gift from him yesterday. He said it was because money is tight - and it is - but last time I checked a dollar store card costs a dollar still. He does it because he can.

I was crying and my daughter hugged me and said, "Why are you making Mommy cry on her birthday?" The worst part of the day, honestly, was when my kids asked me where my presents were. I finally grabbed some things of mine and told them that I had already opened my presents.

I think about the fact that last year I had to miss my Dads funeral because he didn't want me to fly down south alone. Once again, a reasonable thing that I allowed to be taken away from me.

I guess I blame myself way more than I blame him. Will I ever be strong enough to end this once and for all?

I tend to believe in the law of attraction and it says I am responsible for my life. I made the choices that got me here. I have no family to call. I have no friends to reach out to. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life or will I finally get the courage to say F*CK IT?!?!?!?