Honestly, I'm not a fan of posting to this blog these days. I like the fact that part of my story is documented. I dislike the fact that Will knows about this blog. He can come at any moment and read the things I have written here.
That makes me uncomfortable. This was a place I created to vent my feelings.
With that being said, I'm going to do an update post. It's likely that I will do one of these each month going forward. I feel that will be enough of a time frame to post what has been going on with me.
I decided that with my next paycheck - I am taking the kids and leaving. I'm going to move out with them. I know there will be many things on my plate that I am going to need to handle right away.
First of all, I am going to file for custody of the kids. Currently, nobody has custody. We are a couple but not married.
To avoid unnecessary future drama, I feel that establishing custody and visitation are going to be two very important items going forward. I also need to make sure that any contact that happens between us is documented via email. I am going to ask that he only communicate with me via email. This protects both of us from misunderstandings.
I also have to remind myself that once I leave - I am done. There can't be another chance. One of the big problems that I feel I have - is giving people way to many chances. We have had ample time to make this relationship into something viable. It hasn't happened yet. It's not going to happen.
I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Me, the kids and him. However, it's necessary. It's coming into 2018. I can't spend another year living to make anybody else happy. I need to spend this next year living to make myself happy.
That's all there is to it. I don't feel guilty. I used to feel insane amounts of guilt every single time I thought about walking away. It's not happening any longer.
I will put myself and the kids at the head of the table. Yes, this is going to be the hardest things that I have ever done in my entire life. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. I've always had someone else there to pick up the slack.
It's not going to be that way. I'm going to need to get the kids and I into counseling. I'm going to have to make therapy an important part of my recovery. I know that this is what I must do to become as strong and healthy as possible.
It's a hard thing. There isn't a soul in this world that looks forward to breaking up their family. Sometimes, though, you do what you have to do for yourself. You don't owe your partner anything. Especially not once things have turned toxic.
And hey, I'm not perfect either. I take responsibility for the choices I made that brought us to where we are. Just because I made those choices, though, doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of my life paying for them.
I love and value myself and my kids way to much to hold onto this unhealthy dynamic.
