Random Thoughts

I dropped off the kids at 9 AM. I went for a drive but I wanted to hurry home. Will stopped by yesterday when I was driving to the shelter. He wanted to know where I was at. I said I went for a drive. He gave me this crazy look and told me that I never go for a drive.

He tried to tell me what my actual reality is. That I never go for a drive so I must be lying to him. I mean, come on. Honestly, didn't I go for a drive? I mean, I didn't tell him where I drove to but I did indeed take a drive. I just didn't disclose where I went because it would start a fight.

He's also been checking my devices again. Every time I open my email its set to the sent or trash box. He is going in and reading all of my emails and checking every move I make again. It scares me.

You see, I'm not allowed to end our relationship. If I do, he's going to get a narcissistic injury and he's going to get very angry at me. OR, he will be extra nice and make all of these promises about how he's going to change. He will go to counseling and on and on and on.

Now here we are in the most fucked up situation we have ever been in. I can't help but put some of the blame on him as well. I know I lost my job but he could have worked something out with the landlord. He could have kept the water from getting shut off. He could have been working on finding us another place to live.

He is as guilty as I am. Does that mean that we should go down together though? Is it wrong to want to take my kids and get out of this mess while I can?

I looked at some pictures of me from 2011 this morning and I didn't recognize myself. There isn't a light inside of my eyes anymore. I don't even feel alive. I have turned into a shell of a human being. I have had to repress who I am. I have been hiding from the world. I don't even know how to function as a human being without him there to tell me what to do and how to do it.

I'm even past the point of blame. Does it really matter who's fault it is that we have ended up where we are? I don't think it does. I think what really matters is that we have become toxic to each other and our children.

To get to the point of my drive this morning, I had this strange thought occur to me. I feel like Jaycee Duggard. Do yall remember her? She was kidnapped at 11 and had two kids with her captor. Even when she had a chance to escape - she didn't take it. What kept her from running away when she was able to do so?

A trauma bond. The same thing I have with Will. Fear keeps me rooted in place. I don't know anything different. I could leave - I may be isolated but I have times where I am alone and I could go - but I don't. I'm stuck in place. I'm terrified of packing my stuff and going. Same as she was. I can understand exactly what drove her to stay stuck in place.

I want to overcome this fear. I want to step into the sun and reclaim ownership of my life. I want to be independent. I just can't take that first step.

I did go to the shelter but I didn't exactly stay there..

So yesterday I went to the shelter while the kids were at school. The staff wasn't there. I wasn't able to call them first because I don't have a phone right now.

Today is the day we have to have all of our stuff out of the house. I believe the constable is going to be here tomorrow (it's the 10th day) to put all of our stuff on the curb.

I keep believing that this is a message that it's time for me to take the kids and start over. I can't though. I feel terrible leaving. The idea of leaving Will alone feels me with guilt. Why can't I just walk away?

You know - I've been told over and over again that I'm selfish. That I don't love him. That I have no feelings. As a matter of fact, he told me just last night, "Why don't you love me?"

I mean, come on?!?! I'm still here? Doesn't that make you think that maybe I love you? With everything going on I am yet to abandon ship. Even after being told by countless people that I'm being emotionally manipulated.

He's been nice pretty much all week long. Which, of course, he would be, I'm the one getting the assistance for a new place. He can't do it without me. Why wouldn't he want to be nice to me?

I'm going to call some more agencies today but the smart thing to do is just go. I wish I had someone to reach out to who understands my situation. I feel so alone.