It's true. I never even left. Can you believe that? Ok, that's not true. I did leave. I left and went to a shelter more times than I can count. I always come back. Why? That's the part I am trying to figure out still.
I don't understand why I feel its okay to stay with someone who regularly puts me down. I called and talked to a Domestic Violence counselor today and she told me that he is emotionally manipulating me.
She's right. I'm allowing him to take away my power. Not only that, we are butting heads over and over about how the kids should be raised.
That's the part of this whole situation that I can't wrap my head around. My kids are looking at our relationship and thinking that it's a normal situation. I'm messing up my kids. I'm preparing them for years of therapy.
We had an argument earlier because I filmed a Facebook Live video today. Totally normal, right? No harm. I hurt nobody.
He hates when I make videos. He can do it but I can't. I'm not allowed to have a life. He's taken my life away from me and I have allowed it to happen.
I didn't get a birthday gift from him yesterday. He said it was because money is tight - and it is - but last time I checked a dollar store card costs a dollar still. He does it because he can.
I was crying and my daughter hugged me and said, "Why are you making Mommy cry on her birthday?" The worst part of the day, honestly, was when my kids asked me where my presents were. I finally grabbed some things of mine and told them that I had already opened my presents.
I think about the fact that last year I had to miss my Dads funeral because he didn't want me to fly down south alone. Once again, a reasonable thing that I allowed to be taken away from me.
I guess I blame myself way more than I blame him. Will I ever be strong enough to end this once and for all?
I tend to believe in the law of attraction and it says I am responsible for my life. I made the choices that got me here. I have no family to call. I have no friends to reach out to. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life or will I finally get the courage to say F*CK IT?!?!?!?
