I am going to begin using my Blog as the journal of my life. I started writing these posts on January 9th. I stopped on the 12th because I went into the shelter and I had some trouble with my computer. I am going to get back to posting daily. I feel that posting to this blog will be therapeutic for me. It will also give me something tangible to look back on as time goes on. Here is my first journal entry...
His favorite thing to tell me was that I was just looking for sympathy. Anytime I complained about how things were not right or even about how unhappy I felt.
He never acknowledged my feelings. I had to hold everything inside for fear that if I shared to much - it would be used against me in the end.
I thought for a really long time about whether or not I was going to be brave enough to share everything that really happened or not. The truth is, I still don’t feel right about writing anything down.
However, if I can help just one person to avoid the years of pain I endured, then I will feel as if I have done my part.
I am leaving him tomorrow. It is January 9, 2015. We have been together since 2009 and we have two children together. Jaiden will be 3 in March and Suzanna will be 2 in February.
There are so many things that I want to put on paper. I don’t want to forget any of the things that happened. Sometimes, when things are going really well, I forgot the bad incidents that were a common part of my relationship. Forgetting things kept me in this situation for far to long.
I have been told so many times that everything is all my fault that I honestly believe it. I believe that the reason we don’t have a wonderful relationship is because of me.
I don’t by any means wish to portray myself as someone who has it all together. I did my share of things in our relationship. I never prevented him from being himself though. I never dictated where he could and could not go. I never told him that I would take the kids away from him and leave.
I supported him. I wanted what was best for him. I wanted him to know that he could do anything he set his mind to.
He never wanted to do anything that I enjoyed. If he liked a show, I had to watch that show with him. If he enjoyed a certain type of food, I had to try that food OR ELSE. If he wanted to go somewhere, whether I wanted to or not, it was expected that I was going to go.
I never had that same courtesy extended to myself. If I asked him to watch something I enjoyed - he refused or he would fall asleep within the first 10 minutes of it. If I asked him to eat something I liked - he would tell me no and that was that. If I wanted to go somewhere and he didn’t - he would find one hundred reasons why we should do what he wanted to do and not what I wanted to do.
Is this normal? Absolutely not. In a healthy relationship both partners are willing to compromise for the other on some levels (I don’t think you should do something you hate, however, every now and then you give in to show your partner that you care for their feelings.)
I need to get this written down to remember why I need to never go back. I can communicate with him because we have mutual children together. I must never enter back into a relationship with him. I must keep it together for the sake of my life and my kids life.
My needs. My priorities. My life. It isn’t mine anymore. Someone has decided to take my choices in life away from me. It’s not going to happen ever again.
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