I'm back home and I may have made the wrong choice

I came back home after I went to the shelter. I know you might think that sounds crazy. I know I think that sounds crazy.

I did end up packing up the babies and going into our local shelter. The room I was going to be staying in with the kids was not that bad. They were able to get me two cribs for the babies. (Since Jaiden and Suzy are 2 and 3.)

It was hard chasing around the babies without him there to help. I hate admitting that but it's true.

The day I went into the shelter I had plans to go get my 12 year old from school. I left the shelter around 2 PM and headed towards his school. I had turned my phone off in the morning in case he tried to contact me.

There were 3 texts from my 12 year old on my phone. It turns out, he had a flex day the day I went into the shelter. He messaged me to let me know he had gone home.

This was really bad! I had gone into the shelter with plans to not have to bump into Suzy and Jaiden's dad right away. Here I was having to face him already. I was nervous and very scared.

I rushed to the house to get my 12 year old who refused to come to the shelter. Then, my SO asked me to please not leave and he started crying. He said he didn't want us to break up our family.

I felt terrible and decided that the least I could do is try again. Why not? Right. I am pondering whether or not I made the right choice.

I know that my oldest daughter (she's 16) is going to be very angry at me for coming back into the house when I was supposed to leave this relationship. Honestly, I made up my mind that I was not coming back. Why is it that I turn into a complete ball of mush and change my mind at the last minute. Why couldn't I be brave enough to just go?

Deep down, I know that I love Suzy and Jaiden's Dad. I think I will always love him. I just don't know if we are ever going to make this relationship into one where we can both be happy. It seems we have been trying and trying and it just never get's any better. I've been home for about 10 days and there have already been at least 3 to 4 heated episodes of the two of us yelling and fighting (Again.).

I just want to be happy. I want to be in a place where we can both be excited about our lives. I am so tired of being told what I am thinking and feeling when the only person inside of my head is me.

I will post more soon. My plan is to use this blog as my journal and post every single day. I need to hold myself accountable for my life. I don't really have anyone in my life that I can go to and share what is happening. This is going to be how I will share my feelings.