I did it again

And no, this is not a Britney Spears song. 

I took the kids yesterday and went back to the shelter. I packed up what I could manage to fit into my car and I took all three of them to the shelter with me. 

When we got there, the kids were off the wall wild (as they usually are in a new place..) and they kept running into the bedrooms of the other women who were staying there. 

I also found out that Will has been reading my blog so I honestly think I am going to abandon writing here. I thought it was safe to post here. I was wrong. 

He sent me a message yesterday. I messaged him and told him I went to the shelter. Now, let's take a good hard look at this, ok? My son told me (my 15-year-old) that Will has been asking him if I left yet. That means that he already had an idea that I want to leave. 

Not only that, since he has been reading this blog, he knows exactly how I am feeling. Yet, he still tells me I am just a victim. 

Back to the message I got last night when he realized I was gone. I messaged him and said I had taken the kids to the shelter. He messaged me a long message and told me I was a liar. That he had saved up all kinds of dirt on me and that he was going to show it all to my kids. I remember the last line of the message said if he never sees me again it will be to fucking soon and he hates me.

Let me tell you how broken my brain is. Despite all of the nasty things he said to me - I came back here. Where else am I going to go? I have nowhere to go. 

He deleted the nasty message he sent to me before I got up this morning. I'm sure he also spent a good hour or so combing through my phone to make sure I'm being good. 

Like I said, I won't be posting to this blog any longer. What difference would it really make anyway? 

Random Thoughts

I dropped off the kids at 9 AM. I went for a drive but I wanted to hurry home. Will stopped by yesterday when I was driving to the shelter. He wanted to know where I was at. I said I went for a drive. He gave me this crazy look and told me that I never go for a drive.

He tried to tell me what my actual reality is. That I never go for a drive so I must be lying to him. I mean, come on. Honestly, didn't I go for a drive? I mean, I didn't tell him where I drove to but I did indeed take a drive. I just didn't disclose where I went because it would start a fight.

He's also been checking my devices again. Every time I open my email its set to the sent or trash box. He is going in and reading all of my emails and checking every move I make again. It scares me.

You see, I'm not allowed to end our relationship. If I do, he's going to get a narcissistic injury and he's going to get very angry at me. OR, he will be extra nice and make all of these promises about how he's going to change. He will go to counseling and on and on and on.

Now here we are in the most fucked up situation we have ever been in. I can't help but put some of the blame on him as well. I know I lost my job but he could have worked something out with the landlord. He could have kept the water from getting shut off. He could have been working on finding us another place to live.

He is as guilty as I am. Does that mean that we should go down together though? Is it wrong to want to take my kids and get out of this mess while I can?

I looked at some pictures of me from 2011 this morning and I didn't recognize myself. There isn't a light inside of my eyes anymore. I don't even feel alive. I have turned into a shell of a human being. I have had to repress who I am. I have been hiding from the world. I don't even know how to function as a human being without him there to tell me what to do and how to do it.

I'm even past the point of blame. Does it really matter who's fault it is that we have ended up where we are? I don't think it does. I think what really matters is that we have become toxic to each other and our children.

To get to the point of my drive this morning, I had this strange thought occur to me. I feel like Jaycee Duggard. Do yall remember her? She was kidnapped at 11 and had two kids with her captor. Even when she had a chance to escape - she didn't take it. What kept her from running away when she was able to do so?

A trauma bond. The same thing I have with Will. Fear keeps me rooted in place. I don't know anything different. I could leave - I may be isolated but I have times where I am alone and I could go - but I don't. I'm stuck in place. I'm terrified of packing my stuff and going. Same as she was. I can understand exactly what drove her to stay stuck in place.

I want to overcome this fear. I want to step into the sun and reclaim ownership of my life. I want to be independent. I just can't take that first step.

I did go to the shelter but I didn't exactly stay there..

So yesterday I went to the shelter while the kids were at school. The staff wasn't there. I wasn't able to call them first because I don't have a phone right now.

Today is the day we have to have all of our stuff out of the house. I believe the constable is going to be here tomorrow (it's the 10th day) to put all of our stuff on the curb.

I keep believing that this is a message that it's time for me to take the kids and start over. I can't though. I feel terrible leaving. The idea of leaving Will alone feels me with guilt. Why can't I just walk away?

You know - I've been told over and over again that I'm selfish. That I don't love him. That I have no feelings. As a matter of fact, he told me just last night, "Why don't you love me?"

I mean, come on?!?! I'm still here? Doesn't that make you think that maybe I love you? With everything going on I am yet to abandon ship. Even after being told by countless people that I'm being emotionally manipulated.

He's been nice pretty much all week long. Which, of course, he would be, I'm the one getting the assistance for a new place. He can't do it without me. Why wouldn't he want to be nice to me?

I'm going to call some more agencies today but the smart thing to do is just go. I wish I had someone to reach out to who understands my situation. I feel so alone.

Heading to the shelter today

Ok, well, I have made up my mind and decided that I'm going to head over to the shelter today with the kids.

It's a decision that I don't want to make. I hate the fact that I am leaving but I know that I have to do what is best for myself and the kids. It's not wrong to do that.

Still, I feel like it is. It's breaking my heart to make this choice.

I have to be strong though. My kids are struggling as well.

I keep reminding myself that he had the income. He was the one working when I lost my job. Nobody is perfect but you don't leave your partner to struggle when you can do something about it.

Do I hate him? Not at all. I just think that we are two people who have tried (for over 7 years) to make a viable relationship out of what we have. It has not worked. No matter how hard we tried.

Is that anyone's fault? I don't think so. I just feel like it's not meant to be.

I have to be strong over the next few weeks. It's going to be hard to get life back on track.

This blog is the only place I can go (besides my journal) to vent how I really feel. Nobody knows what's going on in my life. I don't want anybody to know. I just wish I had one friend or family member that I could pick up the phone and call. There just isn't anyone to reach out to.

I don't want my life to be that way. I want friends. I want people that I can talk to.

The kids are going to struggle but leaving a bad relationship is better than staying and trying to make it work. Especially when your partner doesn't want to go to any type of therapy.

I feel like such a wreck.

Stay strong. Keep moving forward. Don't give up. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else does.

Still here.. why?

So, once again, I failed to act. I came so close.

I wasn't able to leave Friday. I chickened out and I couldn't do it.

Things are really starting to get rough though. The water has been off for over a week. I'm getting evicted. We have two days left before the constable shows up. When they do, they will take all of our stuff outside and put it on the curb.

It's embarrassing. Child Services showed up at the house today. She said she was here because of the eviction and the utilities being shut off. She offered to help if she can.

I don't know how anybody can help. I don't think this situation is going to get any better. I hate having that outlook. I'm a positive person. I try to always look on the bright side of things.

What are we going to do, though? Why did I lose my job? I look back and I wish I never would have let it happen. I still blame myself totally. I should blame myself. It's my fault.

I start a new job on Monday, July 31st. I don't know what to do.

I should take the kids to the shelter. I should pack them up, all 3 of them, and start again.

I can't leave him. It feels wrong to abandon him. What if he can't make it on his own?

I have got to get this figured out. Time is running out.

I think I'm going to leave today

Well, I guess today is the day. I'm a bundle of nerves and I feel like throwing up.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that I was hired for a Liability Coordinator position with a mental health center. Honestly, this is my dream job. I am going back to school and getting my degree in Medical Billing and Coding. To have a job in my industry, before I even graduate AND in the field I want to work in, is more than just luck.

I feel so grateful right now. I'm also afraid. They wanted me to start work Monday. That's 3 days from now. With everything going on I just can't. I was able to get my start date pushed back to July 31 but its only getting closer.

That means that before next Monday I have to get the kids settled in daycare. I also need to have a place to live because we are literally evicted from our home. Will stopped paying the rent when I lost my job. I think I mentioned that he wants me to get a social service agency to pay our first months rent and security to move into a new place. I don't want to do that because I feel like he needs to step up.

He didn't even get me a birthday card. I'm at a crossroads. Do I want to continue to live this way or do I want to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown? Pack our stuff and move my kids and I into the shelter. Start a fabulous new job and have a fantastic life?

OR do I want to stay here. In the house that has no water because it got shut off. (Oh, and he thinks we should just leave it off and not pay the bill. We are getting evicted anyway. That's another week at least with no water...) And reach out to a local agency and have them pay our rent because my boyfriend decided he didn't want to pay it.

Still, in the back of my head I hear his voice and I feel guilty. I think of the good times. I remember that we have two children together. I didn't want my kids to be raised in a broken home. I wanted them to have both parents.

Then I hear his voice again. "You are just a victim" "You are crazy like the rest of your family"
"It's not my fault you don't understand how to be loyal". Words hurt. I know that I have said nasty things as well. Doesn't that make me the abusive one as well?

If he won't go to therapy how can things change? If he won't acknowledge that our life is not ok will things change? Am I truly selfish for wanting a better life for me and my kids? Don't I deserve happiness?

I have to make a stand. I have to remember that if this script were going to be any different it would have changed already. I have to remind myself that he didn't even make or buy me a birthday card. I have to remind myself that I drove to the hospital and gave birth alone because he was being stubborn. He refused to go with me. I have to remember the new desk he bought me but then got angry at me for something I did and refused to put it together for me. I remember sitting on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks while I put it together alone. Every time he got mad at me in the grocery store and walked away and left me standing there alone.

Am I just a victim? Is this abuse? Maybe it's not. Maybe I don't have it so bad. Maybe it could be much worse than it is. Aren't I lucky that my children's father stuck around? Is happiness overrated?

I remember that he refuses to marry me. He won't even put a ring on my finger. Is that someone who loves me? If he doesn't want to marry me then WHY is he even with me.

Please let me find the strength to follow through on this. I don't know if I am going to be able to post when I get into the shelter. I may not have access to the internet. I'll try my best to keep this blog updated. I have come to far to quit.

Met with my psychiatrist yesterday..

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I didn't want to go. I told him when I got there that I was a mess.

He said that was the best time to be there. (haha) I told him how bad things have gotten at home. We are about to be evicted and our water has been shut off for almost a week.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wonderful has been all over me to fix things. He wants me to get some type of agency to pay our rent to move to a new place. You know - I sat down and realized that I have been the one keeping us above water for the last 7 years.

Everytime there is a problem, I step up and fix it. I also realized that every place we have lived has been obtained by me. I always pay the first months rent and security and make sure the bills get paid.

I'm out of work right now. I was going to trauma therapy and it got to be to much. I realized in therapy that nobody can fix the mess I am in except for me. That was a scary moment. All this time I have been kicked back waiting on someone to rescue me.

That's just not real life though. Nobody knows how bad things are at home. I mean, aside from the internet, nobody really knows me anyway. I just mean that people who do know me look at the outside appearances and think it's all great.

We got into another nasty argument last night and when it was over he told me he loved me. He loves me so much and he can't imagine life without me. Yet, when he's pissed at me, he tells me what an awful person I am. I am a terrible mother. I'm crazy like the rest of my family. I need meds. On and on and on it goes.

So, like a normal person would do, I ask him why he stays with me if I'm obviously such a fucking wreck. His response? Because he can't leave his kids alone with me because I'll ruin their lives. I mean really? Is that even a valid response to someone you love?!?!

I don't know anymore. I really don't.

So, my psychiatrist says I don't need any meds. This is a doctor who went to college for way more years than my boyfriend. He says I am at a turning point.

I told him that if I was smart then I would just take my kids, go to the shelter and start my life all over again.

He says to me - is that the advice you would give to a friend or family member in your situation? I said yes.

So why don't you do it then? He asks.

I can't leave him. (I'm sobbing now) He needs me. Families stick together. I would be an awful person if I did. What if he can't make it on his own?

Fuck him. He says. Just like the counselor at the shelter told me and now my psychiatrist is telling me that he is not my responsibility. It is not my job to fix him, take care of him or anything else I feel that I am obligated to be doing.

I can't understand why it's so hard. I mean, I guess it has something to do with the dynamics of this type of relationship.

7 years. We have been a couple for 7 years and the bad times outweigh the good like you would not believe.

I look back - and I think of our 4 year old daughter. The night I went into labor with her we had been arguing because of something petty. When I told him I was in labor, he refused to go to the hospital with me. He was so pissed at me.

I got in the car and made it to the end of our street and I turned around and went back. I stood in our doorway and begged him to come to the hospital with me. He refused. I drove myself and had her alone. The nurses were there to help but he missed her birth.

Then, as I lay in the hospital recuperating, he called yelling at me for leaving him with no car. I spent the next few hours doing my best to get him a ride and I finally succeeded.

He gets to the hospital and spends 5 minutes with me and his new daughter then he takes the car keys and he's gone.

Yet I stay after this incident and many others like it.

I want to put a stop to this. I want to start over with my kids. I want to be strong enough to walk away and help others. I can't live my lifes purpose inauthentic. I can't help anyone else until I can help myself...

I'm a Fraud

It's true. I never even left. Can you believe that? Ok, that's not true. I did leave. I left and went to a shelter more times than I can count. I always come back. Why? That's the part I am trying to figure out still.

I don't understand why I feel its okay to stay with someone who regularly puts me down. I called and talked to a Domestic Violence counselor today and she told me that he is emotionally manipulating me.

She's right. I'm allowing him to take away my power. Not only that, we are butting heads over and over about how the kids should be raised.

That's the part of this whole situation that I can't wrap my head around. My kids are looking at our relationship and thinking that it's a normal situation. I'm messing up my kids. I'm preparing them for years of therapy.

We had an argument earlier because I filmed a Facebook Live video today. Totally normal, right? No harm. I hurt nobody.

He hates when I make videos. He can do it but I can't. I'm not allowed to have a life. He's taken my life away from me and I have allowed it to happen.

I didn't get a birthday gift from him yesterday. He said it was because money is tight - and it is - but last time I checked a dollar store card costs a dollar still. He does it because he can.

I was crying and my daughter hugged me and said, "Why are you making Mommy cry on her birthday?" The worst part of the day, honestly, was when my kids asked me where my presents were. I finally grabbed some things of mine and told them that I had already opened my presents.

I think about the fact that last year I had to miss my Dads funeral because he didn't want me to fly down south alone. Once again, a reasonable thing that I allowed to be taken away from me.

I guess I blame myself way more than I blame him. Will I ever be strong enough to end this once and for all?

I tend to believe in the law of attraction and it says I am responsible for my life. I made the choices that got me here. I have no family to call. I have no friends to reach out to. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life or will I finally get the courage to say F*CK IT?!?!?!?