Does anybody even see these posts.
I don't think they do. I don't even know why I still post on here.
My life hasn't changed at all since my last update. There is still tension at home. Fighting and drama.
I want to make a change but the thought of making changes makes me more afraid than actually changing.
I have complex PTSD. Is that why?
On top of it, I looked at the profile of someone I was in the hospital with. It's a guy.
Of course, Will got upset and mad. I don't blame him. I would be mad at him if he looked up a girls profile.
Do you want to know the truth though?
This guy and I became friends in the hospital. Nothing more than that.
It doesn't even matter though. Will's phone broke a couple of weeks ago and now he has mine.
He's been using it for the last few weeks. I paid the bill last week and I haven't even been able to hold onto it.
It's mine though. Shouldn't I have access to my own phone?
Not in this house I don't.
He told me tonight that I spend to much time on Facebook. He also told me that I needed to give up my dream of building an information marketing business. He told me I am just wasting my time.
How is it his right to decide what I can and cannot do with me? Why did I hand over the reins and allow another human being to decide my life for me?
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Saturday, September 9, 2017
It's Saturday
Well, today is Saturday. Will brought over the lawn mower to cut the lawn at our house.
Matt is staying at a friends house. I gave him $10.00 to take with him. I know the last 2 or 3 times that he's gone out - he went without any type of money.
Not that I think he should have money every single times he goes. I just think that from time to time, it's nice to give him money to spend.
He got offered a brand new mattress from one of the guys he works with. It's a $600 dollar mattress. I'm happy that Matt is going to have a nice mattress to sleep on.
I'm not happy about the fact that our relationship feels uncomfortable on an almost regular basis. I don't feel comfortable bringing up any issues or problems in our relationship. Usually, when I do, he gets very defensive. He then lashes out at me for attacking him.
Truthfully, I'm not even trying to attack him. I just think he gets defensive anytime that you try to set a boundary.
And that sucks. There should be boundaries in your relationship. A relationship should be healthy. It should make you feel good and not bad.
That's the biggest problem I know of. The fact that our relationship makes me feel bad inside. It's the never ending drama. It's the constant fighting and arguing over everything. It's being afraid to speak up and defend myself. It's having to give in and be the "bigger" man. It's being put down on a daily basis.
How do you change things when your partner is not willing to try and work things out? I mean, if at least we could acknowledge some of the issues then we could begin to solve some of them.
Matt is staying at a friends house. I gave him $10.00 to take with him. I know the last 2 or 3 times that he's gone out - he went without any type of money.
Not that I think he should have money every single times he goes. I just think that from time to time, it's nice to give him money to spend.
He got offered a brand new mattress from one of the guys he works with. It's a $600 dollar mattress. I'm happy that Matt is going to have a nice mattress to sleep on.
I'm not happy about the fact that our relationship feels uncomfortable on an almost regular basis. I don't feel comfortable bringing up any issues or problems in our relationship. Usually, when I do, he gets very defensive. He then lashes out at me for attacking him.
Truthfully, I'm not even trying to attack him. I just think he gets defensive anytime that you try to set a boundary.
And that sucks. There should be boundaries in your relationship. A relationship should be healthy. It should make you feel good and not bad.
That's the biggest problem I know of. The fact that our relationship makes me feel bad inside. It's the never ending drama. It's the constant fighting and arguing over everything. It's being afraid to speak up and defend myself. It's having to give in and be the "bigger" man. It's being put down on a daily basis.
How do you change things when your partner is not willing to try and work things out? I mean, if at least we could acknowledge some of the issues then we could begin to solve some of them.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Things just don't change
It's been almost a month since I posted to my blog.
I found out that Will was reading my blog. I made some changes to it.
He got butt-hurt because it's about him. You know what I would do if someone wrote a blog about me? I would try to improve to make our relationship better.
It's not that way with him. He can't improve because he's perfect just the way he is.
And the fighting. We have been fighting again over stupid stuff. Nothing new but I was starting to believe that things were going to be okay finally.
I got another job. I was supposed to start yesterday.
This morning, Jaiden wanted to walk. Will got angry because he said he waited for us. Why not just let the child walk down to the street?
Let me tell you why. Because he loses control when he gives in to the demands of a 5 year old child.
Its insane and quite honestly - I feel like I'm done.
I'm sick of every single day being a fight. I've been to therapy. I've signed our daughter up for therapy.
It doesn't even matter because nothing changes.
I mean, I had to start this blog just to prove to myself that I'm not insane. I've got years worth of posts here and still - I stay.
Gratitude? From him? Never. He can't be grateful when he gets his joy in life from knocking me down.
I found out that Will was reading my blog. I made some changes to it.
He got butt-hurt because it's about him. You know what I would do if someone wrote a blog about me? I would try to improve to make our relationship better.
It's not that way with him. He can't improve because he's perfect just the way he is.
And the fighting. We have been fighting again over stupid stuff. Nothing new but I was starting to believe that things were going to be okay finally.
I got another job. I was supposed to start yesterday.
This morning, Jaiden wanted to walk. Will got angry because he said he waited for us. Why not just let the child walk down to the street?
Let me tell you why. Because he loses control when he gives in to the demands of a 5 year old child.
Its insane and quite honestly - I feel like I'm done.
I'm sick of every single day being a fight. I've been to therapy. I've signed our daughter up for therapy.
It doesn't even matter because nothing changes.
I mean, I had to start this blog just to prove to myself that I'm not insane. I've got years worth of posts here and still - I stay.
Gratitude? From him? Never. He can't be grateful when he gets his joy in life from knocking me down.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
It's been awhile - update on my crazy life
It's been a little while since I updated this blog. Life hasn't been peachy. I don't even honestly know if it's on the way back up again.
I'm at the library doing my school work. I've got two more weeks left of my classes before it's time for another class.
I can't wait until I graduate and receive my Associates degree. I have already decided that once I do, I am going back to school and getting my Bachelors degree.
We made it through our eviction and we were staying at a hotel. We found a house to rent. It only costs us $275.00 to move in. (Not any of my money - let's be clear that it was Will who was able to rent us a place to live..)
Speaking of Will, he's been reading my blog and decided to throw it in my face that I feel that he has a personality disorder. Let's be perfectly clear. I believe that the relationship I have with Will is a highly toxic relationship. He may be guilty and I may be guilty. Regardless of what the source is of the toxicity - the fact is - it exists.
We fight consistently. As a matter of fact, we had a fight already this morning. We got into an argument this morning. The crazy part of our argument is that I don't even remember exactly what we got started fighting over. Will said he was going to have someone from work give him a ride. It went on for a good 10 to 15 minutes before I just ended up driving him.
See, the problem is, I hate to fight. I am so sick and tired of fighting all the time. It gets old. Will doesn't trust me because there was a point in time where I talked to another man behind his back. I had an ad on Craigslist. I was lonely. It was risky. I did end up meeting someone at a Dunkin Donuts and the insane part of the whole thing is that I have been 100% honest with Will about the entire incident. I may have been dishonest but I owned up to my mistake.
Still - he throws it in my face on an almost daily basis. What I can't understand about the whole damned thing - is that if what I did is that terrible - then he needs to break up with me. Right? If your partner created an Ad on Craigslist and talked to other guys behind your back and EVEN went so far as to meet one .. would they still be your partner?
What if that wasn't the first time they did such a thing? What if you couldn't trust them AT all? Would you stay? Most people would not. Most people would recognize that the situation is toxic and they would strive to create a healthy life for themselves no matter how much they love their partner. At some point, you just have to say, enough is enough.
Maybe I vented to much here but I'm all about honesty. I'm really tired of being told that I'm a bad person. I'm sick of not feeling supported by Will. He can get butt-hurt all he wants but our relationship is toxic and unhealthy. I'm calling it for what it is.
I got a new job and I start on Monday. I'm going to be doing customer support again at an office. The hours are 8 to 4:30 but I am struggling to figure out daycare. My 5 year old starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and Suzy can go to headstart. I talked to them today and they said they don't have a bus that can bring her. I said, thats ok. I'm going to work in that town and I can bring her to the daycare and the bus can pick her up there.
That gets me a discount on daycare because headstart (for 5 hours a day) is free.
I've been so pathetically broke for the last couple of months. It's been really hard. I finally got my Fiverr money that I earned the other day. (It was $75.00) and will actually gave me $45.00. I think I went crazy because I spent $30.00 on my hair and $20.00 of it on a shirt and makeup. The rest I spent on the family and gas. Will kept reminding me of how broke we were and was a little angry at me for spending it.
I mean, I guess I can understand but I just wanted to do something nice for myself because it's been so long since I did.
I'm going to pray really hard the next few days that this job works out and that daycare gets situated. I have GOT to start making money. I don't know if you know what its like to be so broke that you have to decided between gas money or food for your kids but it sucks ass.
Til next time ..
I'm at the library doing my school work. I've got two more weeks left of my classes before it's time for another class.
I can't wait until I graduate and receive my Associates degree. I have already decided that once I do, I am going back to school and getting my Bachelors degree.
We made it through our eviction and we were staying at a hotel. We found a house to rent. It only costs us $275.00 to move in. (Not any of my money - let's be clear that it was Will who was able to rent us a place to live..)
Speaking of Will, he's been reading my blog and decided to throw it in my face that I feel that he has a personality disorder. Let's be perfectly clear. I believe that the relationship I have with Will is a highly toxic relationship. He may be guilty and I may be guilty. Regardless of what the source is of the toxicity - the fact is - it exists.
We fight consistently. As a matter of fact, we had a fight already this morning. We got into an argument this morning. The crazy part of our argument is that I don't even remember exactly what we got started fighting over. Will said he was going to have someone from work give him a ride. It went on for a good 10 to 15 minutes before I just ended up driving him.
See, the problem is, I hate to fight. I am so sick and tired of fighting all the time. It gets old. Will doesn't trust me because there was a point in time where I talked to another man behind his back. I had an ad on Craigslist. I was lonely. It was risky. I did end up meeting someone at a Dunkin Donuts and the insane part of the whole thing is that I have been 100% honest with Will about the entire incident. I may have been dishonest but I owned up to my mistake.
Still - he throws it in my face on an almost daily basis. What I can't understand about the whole damned thing - is that if what I did is that terrible - then he needs to break up with me. Right? If your partner created an Ad on Craigslist and talked to other guys behind your back and EVEN went so far as to meet one .. would they still be your partner?
What if that wasn't the first time they did such a thing? What if you couldn't trust them AT all? Would you stay? Most people would not. Most people would recognize that the situation is toxic and they would strive to create a healthy life for themselves no matter how much they love their partner. At some point, you just have to say, enough is enough.
Maybe I vented to much here but I'm all about honesty. I'm really tired of being told that I'm a bad person. I'm sick of not feeling supported by Will. He can get butt-hurt all he wants but our relationship is toxic and unhealthy. I'm calling it for what it is.
I got a new job and I start on Monday. I'm going to be doing customer support again at an office. The hours are 8 to 4:30 but I am struggling to figure out daycare. My 5 year old starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and Suzy can go to headstart. I talked to them today and they said they don't have a bus that can bring her. I said, thats ok. I'm going to work in that town and I can bring her to the daycare and the bus can pick her up there.
That gets me a discount on daycare because headstart (for 5 hours a day) is free.
I've been so pathetically broke for the last couple of months. It's been really hard. I finally got my Fiverr money that I earned the other day. (It was $75.00) and will actually gave me $45.00. I think I went crazy because I spent $30.00 on my hair and $20.00 of it on a shirt and makeup. The rest I spent on the family and gas. Will kept reminding me of how broke we were and was a little angry at me for spending it.
I mean, I guess I can understand but I just wanted to do something nice for myself because it's been so long since I did.
I'm going to pray really hard the next few days that this job works out and that daycare gets situated. I have GOT to start making money. I don't know if you know what its like to be so broke that you have to decided between gas money or food for your kids but it sucks ass.
Til next time ..
Thursday, July 27, 2017
I did it again
And no, this is not a Britney Spears song.
I took the kids yesterday and went back to the shelter. I packed up what I could manage to fit into my car and I took all three of them to the shelter with me.
When we got there, the kids were off the wall wild (as they usually are in a new place..) and they kept running into the bedrooms of the other women who were staying there.
I also found out that Will has been reading my blog so I honestly think I am going to abandon writing here. I thought it was safe to post here. I was wrong.
He sent me a message yesterday. I messaged him and told him I went to the shelter. Now, let's take a good hard look at this, ok? My son told me (my 15-year-old) that Will has been asking him if I left yet. That means that he already had an idea that I want to leave.
Not only that, since he has been reading this blog, he knows exactly how I am feeling. Yet, he still tells me I am just a victim.
Back to the message I got last night when he realized I was gone. I messaged him and said I had taken the kids to the shelter. He messaged me a long message and told me I was a liar. That he had saved up all kinds of dirt on me and that he was going to show it all to my kids. I remember the last line of the message said if he never sees me again it will be to fucking soon and he hates me.
Let me tell you how broken my brain is. Despite all of the nasty things he said to me - I came back here. Where else am I going to go? I have nowhere to go.
He deleted the nasty message he sent to me before I got up this morning. I'm sure he also spent a good hour or so combing through my phone to make sure I'm being good.
Like I said, I won't be posting to this blog any longer. What difference would it really make anyway?
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Random Thoughts
I dropped off the kids at 9 AM. I went for a drive but I wanted to hurry home. Will stopped by yesterday when I was driving to the shelter. He wanted to know where I was at. I said I went for a drive. He gave me this crazy look and told me that I never go for a drive.
He tried to tell me what my actual reality is. That I never go for a drive so I must be lying to him. I mean, come on. Honestly, didn't I go for a drive? I mean, I didn't tell him where I drove to but I did indeed take a drive. I just didn't disclose where I went because it would start a fight.
He's also been checking my devices again. Every time I open my email its set to the sent or trash box. He is going in and reading all of my emails and checking every move I make again. It scares me.
You see, I'm not allowed to end our relationship. If I do, he's going to get a narcissistic injury and he's going to get very angry at me. OR, he will be extra nice and make all of these promises about how he's going to change. He will go to counseling and on and on and on.
Now here we are in the most fucked up situation we have ever been in. I can't help but put some of the blame on him as well. I know I lost my job but he could have worked something out with the landlord. He could have kept the water from getting shut off. He could have been working on finding us another place to live.
He is as guilty as I am. Does that mean that we should go down together though? Is it wrong to want to take my kids and get out of this mess while I can?
I looked at some pictures of me from 2011 this morning and I didn't recognize myself. There isn't a light inside of my eyes anymore. I don't even feel alive. I have turned into a shell of a human being. I have had to repress who I am. I have been hiding from the world. I don't even know how to function as a human being without him there to tell me what to do and how to do it.
I'm even past the point of blame. Does it really matter who's fault it is that we have ended up where we are? I don't think it does. I think what really matters is that we have become toxic to each other and our children.
To get to the point of my drive this morning, I had this strange thought occur to me. I feel like Jaycee Duggard. Do yall remember her? She was kidnapped at 11 and had two kids with her captor. Even when she had a chance to escape - she didn't take it. What kept her from running away when she was able to do so?
A trauma bond. The same thing I have with Will. Fear keeps me rooted in place. I don't know anything different. I could leave - I may be isolated but I have times where I am alone and I could go - but I don't. I'm stuck in place. I'm terrified of packing my stuff and going. Same as she was. I can understand exactly what drove her to stay stuck in place.
I want to overcome this fear. I want to step into the sun and reclaim ownership of my life. I want to be independent. I just can't take that first step.
He tried to tell me what my actual reality is. That I never go for a drive so I must be lying to him. I mean, come on. Honestly, didn't I go for a drive? I mean, I didn't tell him where I drove to but I did indeed take a drive. I just didn't disclose where I went because it would start a fight.
He's also been checking my devices again. Every time I open my email its set to the sent or trash box. He is going in and reading all of my emails and checking every move I make again. It scares me.
You see, I'm not allowed to end our relationship. If I do, he's going to get a narcissistic injury and he's going to get very angry at me. OR, he will be extra nice and make all of these promises about how he's going to change. He will go to counseling and on and on and on.
Now here we are in the most fucked up situation we have ever been in. I can't help but put some of the blame on him as well. I know I lost my job but he could have worked something out with the landlord. He could have kept the water from getting shut off. He could have been working on finding us another place to live.
He is as guilty as I am. Does that mean that we should go down together though? Is it wrong to want to take my kids and get out of this mess while I can?
I looked at some pictures of me from 2011 this morning and I didn't recognize myself. There isn't a light inside of my eyes anymore. I don't even feel alive. I have turned into a shell of a human being. I have had to repress who I am. I have been hiding from the world. I don't even know how to function as a human being without him there to tell me what to do and how to do it.
I'm even past the point of blame. Does it really matter who's fault it is that we have ended up where we are? I don't think it does. I think what really matters is that we have become toxic to each other and our children.
To get to the point of my drive this morning, I had this strange thought occur to me. I feel like Jaycee Duggard. Do yall remember her? She was kidnapped at 11 and had two kids with her captor. Even when she had a chance to escape - she didn't take it. What kept her from running away when she was able to do so?
A trauma bond. The same thing I have with Will. Fear keeps me rooted in place. I don't know anything different. I could leave - I may be isolated but I have times where I am alone and I could go - but I don't. I'm stuck in place. I'm terrified of packing my stuff and going. Same as she was. I can understand exactly what drove her to stay stuck in place.
I want to overcome this fear. I want to step into the sun and reclaim ownership of my life. I want to be independent. I just can't take that first step.
I did go to the shelter but I didn't exactly stay there..
So yesterday I went to the shelter while the kids were at school. The staff wasn't there. I wasn't able to call them first because I don't have a phone right now.
Today is the day we have to have all of our stuff out of the house. I believe the constable is going to be here tomorrow (it's the 10th day) to put all of our stuff on the curb.
I keep believing that this is a message that it's time for me to take the kids and start over. I can't though. I feel terrible leaving. The idea of leaving Will alone feels me with guilt. Why can't I just walk away?
You know - I've been told over and over again that I'm selfish. That I don't love him. That I have no feelings. As a matter of fact, he told me just last night, "Why don't you love me?"
I mean, come on?!?! I'm still here? Doesn't that make you think that maybe I love you? With everything going on I am yet to abandon ship. Even after being told by countless people that I'm being emotionally manipulated.
He's been nice pretty much all week long. Which, of course, he would be, I'm the one getting the assistance for a new place. He can't do it without me. Why wouldn't he want to be nice to me?
I'm going to call some more agencies today but the smart thing to do is just go. I wish I had someone to reach out to who understands my situation. I feel so alone.
Today is the day we have to have all of our stuff out of the house. I believe the constable is going to be here tomorrow (it's the 10th day) to put all of our stuff on the curb.
I keep believing that this is a message that it's time for me to take the kids and start over. I can't though. I feel terrible leaving. The idea of leaving Will alone feels me with guilt. Why can't I just walk away?
You know - I've been told over and over again that I'm selfish. That I don't love him. That I have no feelings. As a matter of fact, he told me just last night, "Why don't you love me?"
I mean, come on?!?! I'm still here? Doesn't that make you think that maybe I love you? With everything going on I am yet to abandon ship. Even after being told by countless people that I'm being emotionally manipulated.
He's been nice pretty much all week long. Which, of course, he would be, I'm the one getting the assistance for a new place. He can't do it without me. Why wouldn't he want to be nice to me?
I'm going to call some more agencies today but the smart thing to do is just go. I wish I had someone to reach out to who understands my situation. I feel so alone.
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