Life is looking up

Life is starting to seriously normalize. I'm used to the new way that things are. I am enjoying the freedom that I finally found.

The hardest part for me is getting him to understand that I don't want to communicate with him. I wish he would just get a clue. It's not that I'll never want to see him again. I just don't want to for a least another 6 months. I feel like once I hit the 6 month mark - I'll be able to communicate with him and not have it bother me.

He won't get it through his head. He still plays childish mind games. I see right through those. He showed up at the kids school twice last week. Both of those days were on my days off. He knew I was going to be there. That's why he did it. I don't care. I didn't even look at him. I haven't looked at him since we had court in August. He has nothing that I want to see.

I get a text from him with a screenshot of a message I sent when I was drinking and upset. Why did he send me that? Just to play mind games. That's what guys like him do. I'll never have any respect for him. I'll never trust him again. I won't fall into that trap. I've been set free from my prison chains.

I feel a large amount of hatred towards him. I dealt with a lot of mess but tried to make it work for the sake of the kids. I tried over and over again. I know I did because it's documented right here on this blog. I did leave several times. He did catch me talking to other people behind his back.

I left over and over because I was trying my best to make things better. I wanted the fighting to finally stop. I wanted things to be normal. No matter how hard I tried, though, they never were. My leaving solved nothing.

He caught me talking to other people. And it was more than one time. It was multiple times. However, he didn't leave when he did. We stayed together to try and make it work. Two wrongs don't make a right. I never slept with anyone else. I never dated any of the people I talked to. I was lonely and miserable. I wanted someone to tell me I wasn't worthless because that was how Will made me feel. He made me feel like I was nothing and nobody. That's not how a relationship is supposed to feel. I understand that now for the first time in my entire life. I'm glad we never got married. He wasn't the one for me.

My psychiatrist was really proud of me for finally being out of the situation with him. He's been very supportive. He helped me get signed up for medicinal marijuana for my PTSD. I have a really good trauma therapist. She's known me for a long time. She has been giving me some great advice. Life is really starting to feel good again. I'm so very grateful.

I'm going to be happy. I'm going to build a beautiful life for my kids. I don't need another person to make me whole. I'm going to take my time and make myself into the best person that I can be. When the one comes along - I will be ready.

I won't rush things. I won't jump on the first person that shows me attention. I am a work in progress. I deserve happiness.

How long has it been?

How long has it been since I first started this blog? My posts go all the way back to 2015. It's 2019 and I'm 39 years old. I spent almost 10 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

He discarded me in the most hateful way you can imagine. I'm still in shock when I think about how nasty it ended.

He started seeing someone new behind my back. He went on dates with her for almost a week before I found out about her. He moved into a new place a week later and they have been a couple ever since.

It was hard a first. I can't even lie. I cried every night and multiple times during the day. I didn't eat and lost 25 pounds. I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest.

It was my blessing. He did me a favor. He actually made me hate him enough to never want to be in a relationship with him again. Which is a good thing! I mean - read through my prior blog posts. There was nothing healthy about the relationship that we have.

And although I miss the person that I thought he was - I am excited for this new chapter in my life.

He has been such a bad father to the kids since we broke up. He sees them sporadically and of course he blames it all on me. He's angry because he has to pay me child support. He sends me degrading messages. If it wasn't for the kids I would block him and be done.

I want to move home to Mississippi. I know that I am in for the fight of my life with him. I have friends and family there and I want to go home. He isn't seeing the kids so it really shouldn't matter how I decide to proceed with my life. It's mine again and I'm so grateful. I will never EVER go back to that mess. This blog and my journals are all the validation I need to remember how awful it was to be with him.

Here's to a beautiful new life filled with amazing people!

Crazy Good News

I got some crazy news today. I found out that my tax return is going to be around $5,000. This made me beyond happy. Even if it is only $3,000 - that is more than enough to get back on my feet. I can't believe it. My car is falling apart. I need $1000 dollars to pay the housing authority. Once they are paid, I will be able to get some type of assisted housing. I can't believe that as worried as I have been - things are really going to be okay. I can finally have the life that I want to live. And way sooner than I thought I would. It's going to be hard but I have to keep myself in check. I need to make sure that I am doing everything I need to do to keep things peaceful at home. Just hang in there, Barb. Your time is coming soon. Soon you can make videos. Soon you can create online courses. Soon you will have the life you deserve. Just you and your kids again.

I found this message on 12/1/18. Guess who stayed another year? I had the money and guess what I did with it? I put almost $3,000 down on a car for the both of us. I barely ever get to drive it. Will doesn't let me. What did staying another year get me? Absolutely nothing. I went to breakfast with Will today and Christina and her Mom came. Mark, a guy that works at Wal-Mart and has a crush on Christina showed up as well. He was angry and threw a fit. He barley talked to me at breakfast or after. I cried in the car. He didn't care. He will never care. Don't waste another year on this man, Barb. Get the fuck out NOW.

Start of a New Year

It's the start of a brand new year. There are many things that I want to accomplish.

I've made several resolutions for the New Year.

First of all, I have to complete my membership site and start driving traffic.

I want to post a blog post each and every week.

I want to do a product launch every single month.

I also want to make more videos.

I always get stuck on the videos part. You need to make videos to sell products. You need to make videos if you want to post to YouTube.

It's been hard at this point to do videos. Will isn't a fan of me doing them. I don't want to make one and have him get upset. I avoid creating videos because I want to avoid a fight.

He will get upset. Anytime I try to do or say anything that he isn't feeling - he gets angry at me.

He told me the other day that I will never make any money online. That I'm still wasting my time with this dream I have.

It scares me when he gets mad. Yesterday, he ripped the hand rail off the stairs. Suzy has been picking the screws up. She said she didn't want anybody getting hurt.

Then, last night,we got into an argument over something silly. He had purchased a Reese's for me at the store. I threw it because he was yelling at me. He took it out in the hallway and stomped on it.

I heard the kids in the room asking what happened.

I want to chose a different life for my kids. I can't though.

I can't pick a different life because when I try to leave - he panics.

I can't even tell him how I feel because he gets angry. He yells and breaks things.

The best part? He says that's not true. If you asked him right now if my leaving triggers his anger - he would be like, "No, that's not true."

It's crazy but that's just how it is.

I shouldn't even be writing this. I promised not to complain on my blog.

I can't help it. I desperately want to be happy. I'm told over and over again that it's my fault my life is the way it is.

Why is it so hard for me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve to have the feelings I have.

Update

Honestly, I'm not a fan of posting to this blog these days. I like the fact that part of my story is documented. I dislike the fact that Will knows about this blog. He can come at any moment and read the things I have written here.

That makes me uncomfortable. This was a place I created to vent my feelings.

With that being said, I'm going to do an update post. It's likely that I will do one of these each month going forward. I feel that will be enough of a time frame to post what has been going on with me.

I decided that with my next paycheck - I am taking the kids and leaving. I'm going to move out with them. I know there will be many things on my plate that I am going to need to handle right away.

First of all, I am going to file for custody of the kids. Currently, nobody has custody. We are a couple but not married.

To avoid unnecessary future drama, I feel that establishing custody and visitation are going to be two very important items going forward. I also need to make sure that any contact that happens between us is documented via email. I am going to ask that he only communicate with me via email. This protects both of us from misunderstandings.

I also have to remind myself that once I leave - I am done. There can't be another chance. One of the big problems that I feel I have - is giving people way to many chances. We have had ample time to make this relationship into something viable. It hasn't happened yet. It's not going to happen.

I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Me, the kids and him. However, it's necessary. It's coming into 2018. I can't spend another year living to make anybody else happy. I need to spend this next year living to make myself happy.

That's all there is to it. I don't feel guilty. I used to feel insane amounts of guilt every single time I thought about walking away. It's not happening any longer.

I will put myself and the kids at the head of the table. Yes, this is going to be the hardest things that I have ever done in my entire life. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. I've always had someone else there to pick up the slack.

It's not going to be that way. I'm going to need to get the kids and I into counseling. I'm going to have to make therapy an important part of my recovery. I know that this is what I must do to become as strong and healthy as possible.

It's a hard thing. There isn't a soul in this world that looks forward to breaking up their family. Sometimes, though, you do what you have to do for yourself. You don't owe your partner anything. Especially not once things have turned toxic.

And hey, I'm not perfect either. I take responsibility for the choices I made that brought us to where we are. Just because I made those choices, though, doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of my life paying for them.

I love and value myself and my kids way to much to hold onto this unhealthy dynamic.

Just keep doing the best you can

I'm done whining and complaining about the state of my life. I feel like I've done way to much of that over the last few years.

Looking back on this blog - I see that I've complained a lot.

Complaining is just unproductive. What I need to be doing is taking action.

I'm going to work really hard going forward to focus on the good things that I have in my life.

I want to get my first product launched. It's important to me that I make building an online business my #1 focus right now.

The truth is - I need money to change my situation. Part of me thinks that if I had more money then it would be easier to make the decisions that I need to make.

I don't want the kids to have to do without. I have this huge fear that I'm not going to be able to provide for them.

School has been going really well. I took out a loan to help with getting moved into a new place.

I've been getting good grades.

Work is also going well. I am grateful to have a job that brings me income into the house on a consistent basis.

I've also been doing a good job of meditating more often. I'm trying to slow things down and honor my feelings more.

Baby steps but it's better than sitting around and hoping that life will get better.

I've really pissed him off now

I've been more outspoken this last week then I have over the entire last 8 years of my relationship with Will.

I am starting to really see that things in my life are much worse than I initially thought they were.

I have no doubt that there are people in the world who have lives much worse than mine.

That doesn't change the fact that I feel the situation I am currently living in is pretty severe.

I have been controlled and isolated for 8 years. I'm finally standing up and speaking about it.

I changed my Facebook password and even set my Facebook to prevent him from seeing any of my posts.

I thought that changing all of my passwords bought me a little bit of freedom. I was totally wrong about that.

He still found a way to go through my stuff. He found the post I made where I talked about what my life is like.

It was part of a challenge I joined last week. I had to write to someone I admired. I selected Lisa Nichols.

He was really angry when he saw what I wrote.

He felt like I exaggerated. He said I was a victim looking for sympathy.

Several times, when arguing this weekend, he has called me Destini. Destini is my daughter. He called me her name multiple times and told me that I was a liar like her.

The question then is why do I feel it's acceptable to be treated this way?

The answer is - I don't feel its acceptable. I feel that it is highly unacceptable.

I'm just in a position where there is not a ton that I can do to change things.

Money is an issue. I don't have a lot of money right now.

We got evicted from our home in August and things have been rough since then.

I don't have much extra money. I don't have first months rent and security to get moved into a new place. I would need about $1500 to be able to move out with the kids.

How do I save up that amount and pay for all of our living expenses which include car insurance, gas, rent, utilities and food?

I work but I only make about $750 every two weeks. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

It's entirely possible that I simply have a victim mindset and I am waiting for somebody to come and rescue me.

That's what he says. I just want some white knight to come rolling in.

It's nice when someone else can tell you what your reality is, isn't it?

The biggest issue I feel like I have right now is that my brain is broken. I don't feel that I can trust myself to make decisions. I doubt everything about myself.

I don't even know if I'm real anymore.

Am I even living or is this a nightmare that I can't wake up from?