Life is looking up

Life is starting to seriously normalize. I'm used to the new way that things are. I am enjoying the freedom that I finally found.

The hardest part for me is getting him to understand that I don't want to communicate with him. I wish he would just get a clue. It's not that I'll never want to see him again. I just don't want to for a least another 6 months. I feel like once I hit the 6 month mark - I'll be able to communicate with him and not have it bother me.

He won't get it through his head. He still plays childish mind games. I see right through those. He showed up at the kids school twice last week. Both of those days were on my days off. He knew I was going to be there. That's why he did it. I don't care. I didn't even look at him. I haven't looked at him since we had court in August. He has nothing that I want to see.

I get a text from him with a screenshot of a message I sent when I was drinking and upset. Why did he send me that? Just to play mind games. That's what guys like him do. I'll never have any respect for him. I'll never trust him again. I won't fall into that trap. I've been set free from my prison chains.

I feel a large amount of hatred towards him. I dealt with a lot of mess but tried to make it work for the sake of the kids. I tried over and over again. I know I did because it's documented right here on this blog. I did leave several times. He did catch me talking to other people behind his back.

I left over and over because I was trying my best to make things better. I wanted the fighting to finally stop. I wanted things to be normal. No matter how hard I tried, though, they never were. My leaving solved nothing.

He caught me talking to other people. And it was more than one time. It was multiple times. However, he didn't leave when he did. We stayed together to try and make it work. Two wrongs don't make a right. I never slept with anyone else. I never dated any of the people I talked to. I was lonely and miserable. I wanted someone to tell me I wasn't worthless because that was how Will made me feel. He made me feel like I was nothing and nobody. That's not how a relationship is supposed to feel. I understand that now for the first time in my entire life. I'm glad we never got married. He wasn't the one for me.

My psychiatrist was really proud of me for finally being out of the situation with him. He's been very supportive. He helped me get signed up for medicinal marijuana for my PTSD. I have a really good trauma therapist. She's known me for a long time. She has been giving me some great advice. Life is really starting to feel good again. I'm so very grateful.

I'm going to be happy. I'm going to build a beautiful life for my kids. I don't need another person to make me whole. I'm going to take my time and make myself into the best person that I can be. When the one comes along - I will be ready.

I won't rush things. I won't jump on the first person that shows me attention. I am a work in progress. I deserve happiness.