Not in a bad way. In a good way. I can't believe how much better I feel.
I decided that I'm not going to talk or interact with him for the next 90 days. The only time I am going to respond to him is if it is a direct request regarding our kids.
I came to the realization that talking to him sets back my progress. It makes me feel worse. It's funny because that's exactly how I felt when we were in a relationship together. I was unhappy way more than I was ever happy.
I can't believe how happy I am that he did what he did. It took me a little bit to get to this point. I was feeling worse because I started to engage with him again. We argue just like we did when we were together and it got old.
It feels good to have someone I can talk to that is supportive and loving. He understands me and actually wants me to be happy. I'm not used to that.
I know that I am growing every single day. I'm feeling very positive about the future and what is in store for me. I'm going to get back into streaming while I play video games. Borderlands 3 is out and that's going to be the game that I stream. I've already decided that I am going to pursue things that make me feel good.
I can't believe he just up and decided that he's not going to be a gamer. That right there is as fake as someone can be. How can you give up something that was such a huge part of your life? I could never do it but to each their own. I'll never stop gaming. It's in my blood and I love it. Next time I post - I'll share a link to my Twitch profile. I'm going to start streaming there and then eventually I'm going to make the jump to Facebook.
So excited at every aspect of my fucking life!! Things are feeling so good and I'm so glad that they went the way they did. <3
Friday, September 27, 2019
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Life is looking up
Life is starting to seriously normalize. I'm used to the new way that things are. I am enjoying the freedom that I finally found.
The hardest part for me is getting him to understand that I don't want to communicate with him. I wish he would just get a clue. It's not that I'll never want to see him again. I just don't want to for a least another 6 months. I feel like once I hit the 6 month mark - I'll be able to communicate with him and not have it bother me.
He won't get it through his head. He still plays childish mind games. I see right through those. He showed up at the kids school twice last week. Both of those days were on my days off. He knew I was going to be there. That's why he did it. I don't care. I didn't even look at him. I haven't looked at him since we had court in August. He has nothing that I want to see.
I get a text from him with a screenshot of a message I sent when I was drinking and upset. Why did he send me that? Just to play mind games. That's what guys like him do. I'll never have any respect for him. I'll never trust him again. I won't fall into that trap. I've been set free from my prison chains.
I feel a large amount of hatred towards him. I dealt with a lot of mess but tried to make it work for the sake of the kids. I tried over and over again. I know I did because it's documented right here on this blog. I did leave several times. He did catch me talking to other people behind his back.
I left over and over because I was trying my best to make things better. I wanted the fighting to finally stop. I wanted things to be normal. No matter how hard I tried, though, they never were. My leaving solved nothing.
He caught me talking to other people. And it was more than one time. It was multiple times. However, he didn't leave when he did. We stayed together to try and make it work. Two wrongs don't make a right. I never slept with anyone else. I never dated any of the people I talked to. I was lonely and miserable. I wanted someone to tell me I wasn't worthless because that was how Will made me feel. He made me feel like I was nothing and nobody. That's not how a relationship is supposed to feel. I understand that now for the first time in my entire life. I'm glad we never got married. He wasn't the one for me.
My psychiatrist was really proud of me for finally being out of the situation with him. He's been very supportive. He helped me get signed up for medicinal marijuana for my PTSD. I have a really good trauma therapist. She's known me for a long time. She has been giving me some great advice. Life is really starting to feel good again. I'm so very grateful.
I'm going to be happy. I'm going to build a beautiful life for my kids. I don't need another person to make me whole. I'm going to take my time and make myself into the best person that I can be. When the one comes along - I will be ready.
I won't rush things. I won't jump on the first person that shows me attention. I am a work in progress. I deserve happiness.
The hardest part for me is getting him to understand that I don't want to communicate with him. I wish he would just get a clue. It's not that I'll never want to see him again. I just don't want to for a least another 6 months. I feel like once I hit the 6 month mark - I'll be able to communicate with him and not have it bother me.
He won't get it through his head. He still plays childish mind games. I see right through those. He showed up at the kids school twice last week. Both of those days were on my days off. He knew I was going to be there. That's why he did it. I don't care. I didn't even look at him. I haven't looked at him since we had court in August. He has nothing that I want to see.
I get a text from him with a screenshot of a message I sent when I was drinking and upset. Why did he send me that? Just to play mind games. That's what guys like him do. I'll never have any respect for him. I'll never trust him again. I won't fall into that trap. I've been set free from my prison chains.
I feel a large amount of hatred towards him. I dealt with a lot of mess but tried to make it work for the sake of the kids. I tried over and over again. I know I did because it's documented right here on this blog. I did leave several times. He did catch me talking to other people behind his back.
I left over and over because I was trying my best to make things better. I wanted the fighting to finally stop. I wanted things to be normal. No matter how hard I tried, though, they never were. My leaving solved nothing.
He caught me talking to other people. And it was more than one time. It was multiple times. However, he didn't leave when he did. We stayed together to try and make it work. Two wrongs don't make a right. I never slept with anyone else. I never dated any of the people I talked to. I was lonely and miserable. I wanted someone to tell me I wasn't worthless because that was how Will made me feel. He made me feel like I was nothing and nobody. That's not how a relationship is supposed to feel. I understand that now for the first time in my entire life. I'm glad we never got married. He wasn't the one for me.
My psychiatrist was really proud of me for finally being out of the situation with him. He's been very supportive. He helped me get signed up for medicinal marijuana for my PTSD. I have a really good trauma therapist. She's known me for a long time. She has been giving me some great advice. Life is really starting to feel good again. I'm so very grateful.
I'm going to be happy. I'm going to build a beautiful life for my kids. I don't need another person to make me whole. I'm going to take my time and make myself into the best person that I can be. When the one comes along - I will be ready.
I won't rush things. I won't jump on the first person that shows me attention. I am a work in progress. I deserve happiness.
Saturday, August 31, 2019
How long has it been?
How long has it been since I first started this blog? My posts go all the way back to 2015. It's 2019 and I'm 39 years old. I spent almost 10 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
He discarded me in the most hateful way you can imagine. I'm still in shock when I think about how nasty it ended.
He started seeing someone new behind my back. He went on dates with her for almost a week before I found out about her. He moved into a new place a week later and they have been a couple ever since.
It was hard a first. I can't even lie. I cried every night and multiple times during the day. I didn't eat and lost 25 pounds. I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest.
It was my blessing. He did me a favor. He actually made me hate him enough to never want to be in a relationship with him again. Which is a good thing! I mean - read through my prior blog posts. There was nothing healthy about the relationship that we have.
And although I miss the person that I thought he was - I am excited for this new chapter in my life.
He has been such a bad father to the kids since we broke up. He sees them sporadically and of course he blames it all on me. He's angry because he has to pay me child support. He sends me degrading messages. If it wasn't for the kids I would block him and be done.
I want to move home to Mississippi. I know that I am in for the fight of my life with him. I have friends and family there and I want to go home. He isn't seeing the kids so it really shouldn't matter how I decide to proceed with my life. It's mine again and I'm so grateful. I will never EVER go back to that mess. This blog and my journals are all the validation I need to remember how awful it was to be with him.
Here's to a beautiful new life filled with amazing people!
He discarded me in the most hateful way you can imagine. I'm still in shock when I think about how nasty it ended.
He started seeing someone new behind my back. He went on dates with her for almost a week before I found out about her. He moved into a new place a week later and they have been a couple ever since.
It was hard a first. I can't even lie. I cried every night and multiple times during the day. I didn't eat and lost 25 pounds. I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest.
It was my blessing. He did me a favor. He actually made me hate him enough to never want to be in a relationship with him again. Which is a good thing! I mean - read through my prior blog posts. There was nothing healthy about the relationship that we have.
And although I miss the person that I thought he was - I am excited for this new chapter in my life.
He has been such a bad father to the kids since we broke up. He sees them sporadically and of course he blames it all on me. He's angry because he has to pay me child support. He sends me degrading messages. If it wasn't for the kids I would block him and be done.
I want to move home to Mississippi. I know that I am in for the fight of my life with him. I have friends and family there and I want to go home. He isn't seeing the kids so it really shouldn't matter how I decide to proceed with my life. It's mine again and I'm so grateful. I will never EVER go back to that mess. This blog and my journals are all the validation I need to remember how awful it was to be with him.
Here's to a beautiful new life filled with amazing people!
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