Crazy Good News

I got some crazy news today. I found out that my tax return is going to be around $5,000. This made me beyond happy. Even if it is only $3,000 - that is more than enough to get back on my feet. I can't believe it. My car is falling apart. I need $1000 dollars to pay the housing authority. Once they are paid, I will be able to get some type of assisted housing. I can't believe that as worried as I have been - things are really going to be okay. I can finally have the life that I want to live. And way sooner than I thought I would. It's going to be hard but I have to keep myself in check. I need to make sure that I am doing everything I need to do to keep things peaceful at home. Just hang in there, Barb. Your time is coming soon. Soon you can make videos. Soon you can create online courses. Soon you will have the life you deserve. Just you and your kids again.

I found this message on 12/1/18. Guess who stayed another year? I had the money and guess what I did with it? I put almost $3,000 down on a car for the both of us. I barely ever get to drive it. Will doesn't let me. What did staying another year get me? Absolutely nothing. I went to breakfast with Will today and Christina and her Mom came. Mark, a guy that works at Wal-Mart and has a crush on Christina showed up as well. He was angry and threw a fit. He barley talked to me at breakfast or after. I cried in the car. He didn't care. He will never care. Don't waste another year on this man, Barb. Get the fuck out NOW.

Start of a New Year

It's the start of a brand new year. There are many things that I want to accomplish.

I've made several resolutions for the New Year.

First of all, I have to complete my membership site and start driving traffic.

I want to post a blog post each and every week.

I want to do a product launch every single month.

I also want to make more videos.

I always get stuck on the videos part. You need to make videos to sell products. You need to make videos if you want to post to YouTube.

It's been hard at this point to do videos. Will isn't a fan of me doing them. I don't want to make one and have him get upset. I avoid creating videos because I want to avoid a fight.

He will get upset. Anytime I try to do or say anything that he isn't feeling - he gets angry at me.

He told me the other day that I will never make any money online. That I'm still wasting my time with this dream I have.

It scares me when he gets mad. Yesterday, he ripped the hand rail off the stairs. Suzy has been picking the screws up. She said she didn't want anybody getting hurt.

Then, last night,we got into an argument over something silly. He had purchased a Reese's for me at the store. I threw it because he was yelling at me. He took it out in the hallway and stomped on it.

I heard the kids in the room asking what happened.

I want to chose a different life for my kids. I can't though.

I can't pick a different life because when I try to leave - he panics.

I can't even tell him how I feel because he gets angry. He yells and breaks things.

The best part? He says that's not true. If you asked him right now if my leaving triggers his anger - he would be like, "No, that's not true."

It's crazy but that's just how it is.

I shouldn't even be writing this. I promised not to complain on my blog.

I can't help it. I desperately want to be happy. I'm told over and over again that it's my fault my life is the way it is.

Why is it so hard for me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve to have the feelings I have.