I think I'm going to leave today

Well, I guess today is the day. I'm a bundle of nerves and I feel like throwing up.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that I was hired for a Liability Coordinator position with a mental health center. Honestly, this is my dream job. I am going back to school and getting my degree in Medical Billing and Coding. To have a job in my industry, before I even graduate AND in the field I want to work in, is more than just luck.

I feel so grateful right now. I'm also afraid. They wanted me to start work Monday. That's 3 days from now. With everything going on I just can't. I was able to get my start date pushed back to July 31 but its only getting closer.

That means that before next Monday I have to get the kids settled in daycare. I also need to have a place to live because we are literally evicted from our home. Will stopped paying the rent when I lost my job. I think I mentioned that he wants me to get a social service agency to pay our first months rent and security to move into a new place. I don't want to do that because I feel like he needs to step up.

He didn't even get me a birthday card. I'm at a crossroads. Do I want to continue to live this way or do I want to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown? Pack our stuff and move my kids and I into the shelter. Start a fabulous new job and have a fantastic life?

OR do I want to stay here. In the house that has no water because it got shut off. (Oh, and he thinks we should just leave it off and not pay the bill. We are getting evicted anyway. That's another week at least with no water...) And reach out to a local agency and have them pay our rent because my boyfriend decided he didn't want to pay it.

Still, in the back of my head I hear his voice and I feel guilty. I think of the good times. I remember that we have two children together. I didn't want my kids to be raised in a broken home. I wanted them to have both parents.

Then I hear his voice again. "You are just a victim" "You are crazy like the rest of your family"
"It's not my fault you don't understand how to be loyal". Words hurt. I know that I have said nasty things as well. Doesn't that make me the abusive one as well?

If he won't go to therapy how can things change? If he won't acknowledge that our life is not ok will things change? Am I truly selfish for wanting a better life for me and my kids? Don't I deserve happiness?

I have to make a stand. I have to remember that if this script were going to be any different it would have changed already. I have to remind myself that he didn't even make or buy me a birthday card. I have to remind myself that I drove to the hospital and gave birth alone because he was being stubborn. He refused to go with me. I have to remember the new desk he bought me but then got angry at me for something I did and refused to put it together for me. I remember sitting on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks while I put it together alone. Every time he got mad at me in the grocery store and walked away and left me standing there alone.

Am I just a victim? Is this abuse? Maybe it's not. Maybe I don't have it so bad. Maybe it could be much worse than it is. Aren't I lucky that my children's father stuck around? Is happiness overrated?

I remember that he refuses to marry me. He won't even put a ring on my finger. Is that someone who loves me? If he doesn't want to marry me then WHY is he even with me.

Please let me find the strength to follow through on this. I don't know if I am going to be able to post when I get into the shelter. I may not have access to the internet. I'll try my best to keep this blog updated. I have come to far to quit.

Met with my psychiatrist yesterday..

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I didn't want to go. I told him when I got there that I was a mess.

He said that was the best time to be there. (haha) I told him how bad things have gotten at home. We are about to be evicted and our water has been shut off for almost a week.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wonderful has been all over me to fix things. He wants me to get some type of agency to pay our rent to move to a new place. You know - I sat down and realized that I have been the one keeping us above water for the last 7 years.

Everytime there is a problem, I step up and fix it. I also realized that every place we have lived has been obtained by me. I always pay the first months rent and security and make sure the bills get paid.

I'm out of work right now. I was going to trauma therapy and it got to be to much. I realized in therapy that nobody can fix the mess I am in except for me. That was a scary moment. All this time I have been kicked back waiting on someone to rescue me.

That's just not real life though. Nobody knows how bad things are at home. I mean, aside from the internet, nobody really knows me anyway. I just mean that people who do know me look at the outside appearances and think it's all great.

We got into another nasty argument last night and when it was over he told me he loved me. He loves me so much and he can't imagine life without me. Yet, when he's pissed at me, he tells me what an awful person I am. I am a terrible mother. I'm crazy like the rest of my family. I need meds. On and on and on it goes.

So, like a normal person would do, I ask him why he stays with me if I'm obviously such a fucking wreck. His response? Because he can't leave his kids alone with me because I'll ruin their lives. I mean really? Is that even a valid response to someone you love?!?!

I don't know anymore. I really don't.

So, my psychiatrist says I don't need any meds. This is a doctor who went to college for way more years than my boyfriend. He says I am at a turning point.

I told him that if I was smart then I would just take my kids, go to the shelter and start my life all over again.

He says to me - is that the advice you would give to a friend or family member in your situation? I said yes.

So why don't you do it then? He asks.

I can't leave him. (I'm sobbing now) He needs me. Families stick together. I would be an awful person if I did. What if he can't make it on his own?

Fuck him. He says. Just like the counselor at the shelter told me and now my psychiatrist is telling me that he is not my responsibility. It is not my job to fix him, take care of him or anything else I feel that I am obligated to be doing.

I can't understand why it's so hard. I mean, I guess it has something to do with the dynamics of this type of relationship.

7 years. We have been a couple for 7 years and the bad times outweigh the good like you would not believe.

I look back - and I think of our 4 year old daughter. The night I went into labor with her we had been arguing because of something petty. When I told him I was in labor, he refused to go to the hospital with me. He was so pissed at me.

I got in the car and made it to the end of our street and I turned around and went back. I stood in our doorway and begged him to come to the hospital with me. He refused. I drove myself and had her alone. The nurses were there to help but he missed her birth.

Then, as I lay in the hospital recuperating, he called yelling at me for leaving him with no car. I spent the next few hours doing my best to get him a ride and I finally succeeded.

He gets to the hospital and spends 5 minutes with me and his new daughter then he takes the car keys and he's gone.

Yet I stay after this incident and many others like it.

I want to put a stop to this. I want to start over with my kids. I want to be strong enough to walk away and help others. I can't live my lifes purpose inauthentic. I can't help anyone else until I can help myself...

I'm a Fraud

It's true. I never even left. Can you believe that? Ok, that's not true. I did leave. I left and went to a shelter more times than I can count. I always come back. Why? That's the part I am trying to figure out still.

I don't understand why I feel its okay to stay with someone who regularly puts me down. I called and talked to a Domestic Violence counselor today and she told me that he is emotionally manipulating me.

She's right. I'm allowing him to take away my power. Not only that, we are butting heads over and over about how the kids should be raised.

That's the part of this whole situation that I can't wrap my head around. My kids are looking at our relationship and thinking that it's a normal situation. I'm messing up my kids. I'm preparing them for years of therapy.

We had an argument earlier because I filmed a Facebook Live video today. Totally normal, right? No harm. I hurt nobody.

He hates when I make videos. He can do it but I can't. I'm not allowed to have a life. He's taken my life away from me and I have allowed it to happen.

I didn't get a birthday gift from him yesterday. He said it was because money is tight - and it is - but last time I checked a dollar store card costs a dollar still. He does it because he can.

I was crying and my daughter hugged me and said, "Why are you making Mommy cry on her birthday?" The worst part of the day, honestly, was when my kids asked me where my presents were. I finally grabbed some things of mine and told them that I had already opened my presents.

I think about the fact that last year I had to miss my Dads funeral because he didn't want me to fly down south alone. Once again, a reasonable thing that I allowed to be taken away from me.

I guess I blame myself way more than I blame him. Will I ever be strong enough to end this once and for all?

I tend to believe in the law of attraction and it says I am responsible for my life. I made the choices that got me here. I have no family to call. I have no friends to reach out to. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life or will I finally get the courage to say F*CK IT?!?!?!?

It's finally done - I stopped the roller coaster

The Ups and Downs have got to be the biggest part of being in this type of a relationship.

It has taken me a very long time to realize exactly what was important in life. I used to think the most important thing was keeping my family together. I feel guilty and beat myself up wondering why that is. I mean - yes - keeping a family together is very important.

What's more important though? The most important thing is that our kids are healthy.  However, when you are lost in this type of relationship, survival seems like the only option open.

Don't rock the boat. Don't stir things up. Keep the peace to avoid being hurt. Yet, you still get hurt. Every single day.

I hear his voice in my head, "You don't have the balls to do that." "It's a good thing I came along, you never would have made it in life without me." "Why can't you just stay in bed? All I want is for you to sleep beside me and you can't even do that."

It just goes on and on and on.

I have the strength now. I am no longer afraid. I can conquer anything that comes at me in life. I am strong. I am sure of myself.

It wasn't always this way though. I truly believe that if I hadn't been so committed to getting out of this mess then I might have ended up dead. I don't know if it would have been at his hand or mine but it was always looming on the horizon.

I can't do it anymore. I finally hit my "rock bottom" as a drug addict might say. My brain is highly similar to that of a drug addict. Only I have been addicted to saving everybody but myself. I put every single persons value above my own.

I'm not anymore valuable then any other person in this world. I sure thought I wasn't deserving of happiness. I believed that I made my bed and I had to sleep in it. I made the decision that put me here.

That doesn't mean I couldn't change it.

How can you change it when you believe it so strongly?

It takes so much work. You have to put yourself first over and over and over and over.

Eventually, you find out that you are in love with you. I feel it now. I feel this connection to me, my inner child, my spiritual self, God, every single person and plant in this world. It feels better than anything I have ever felt in my life. It's just love. I feel this warm and soft feeling of love.

The best part? It's coming from inside of me. It's my inner light. I don't need another person to dictate to me who I am. I don't have to stay with someone who makes me unhappy. I deserve better than that. My children deserve better than that. They are going to have the most amazing life. I promise they will.

The kids have been struggling. Both my older boy and younger daughter. They are only 3 and 4 years old. My boy keeps having accidents. My partner wants to punish him for having accidents. I don't want to. It causes a lot of friction between us.

My daughter is aggressive. She has been hitting her teachers and running out the door (a safety issue).

It has been recommended that I get the children into therapy. That way we can figure out what is going on. He hates the idea of therapy. He wants no part of it. Why? Because there is nothing wrong with the kids or him. Everything is just fine the way it is.

It is not! Then we come to the issue of discipline. He thinks we should just beat them. Just spank them. That will solve everything.

It doesn't work because I hate the idea of spanking. I don't want to spank the kids. It's a personal choice and one that I made. So, he spanks them yesterday and I hide in the bathroom with the exhaust fan on. I cover my ears so I don't have to hear them cry and I cry. Tears roll down my cheeks and I hurt. I don't want my kids spanked. Hearing them scream in pain? I HATE IT.

So, I'm done. This is it. It's time for me to put a stop to this and move forward with a new life. I have to close the door on this relationship. It's unhealthy. Not only for me but especially for my children. I have to change this mess.

I will. I'll be in touch soon. Much love, light and gratitude.

Well, I did it.

I did end up leaving and taking the kids to the shelter.

As usual, I chickened out and came back home.

I can't understand why I can't get myself together and put a stop to this.

I realized he has access to all of my email accounts. He also checks the calls and texts on my phone.

Today I changed the passwords to everything that he can access. This is getting to be insane!

On a happy note, he has been Mr. Perfect for the last week. I hate when he acts that way. It hurts twice as bad when he goes back to being Mr. A**hole.

The crazy thing is - it's all mine!

The lease on the place we live, all the utilities, the car - it's all in my name.

I just can't seem to realize that I deserve to be treated like a person instead of a piece of property.

I don't have to do this anymore, though. I really don't. I deserve to be treated better. I am worth more than this.

The craziest part is that I feel responsible for him. My biggest concern? How will he take care of himself? Who is going to make sure he gets to work?

GAHHHH. Not my problem. Seriously. It isn't but I can't keep myself from feeling this way. I don't know why that is.

I guess I'm human

Wow,

I don't really know why I started this blog then just gave up but guess what?

I still haven't left yet. I mean, thats not entirely true. I have left but I keep coming back.

The plan is to pack up the kids and head back to the shelter tomorrow. There is so much that I need to do that I can't do more than drop a couple of lines but I promise - blog - this time I will come back and update you.

Pray for me...

It has been way to long since I posted

It has been a while since I updated this blog. Things took a turn back at the end of March.

Of course, in January, I ended up staying and trying again to work things out. I keep putting all of this effort in hoping that things are going to get better.

I don't want to play the blame game in the post. I'm not going to point any fingers at him or me.

I am going to say this - we just don't mix.

The fighting never stops.

The yelling.

The name calling.

The arguing.

I was told today that I am a stalker because I signed into his cell phone account this morning to see when his bill was due.

My phone service was cancelled and I didn't want there to be no phone on in our house.

So, I changed the password (I could not sign in)

I was actually the one who setup the account because I bought his phone and paid for the first months service. I didn't think signing in was going to be all that big of a deal.

He was really angry though and started calling me a stalker and throwing accusations at me.

I am so tired of trying to find out why he acts like he does.

When I get the courage to leave, I always chicken out and come back. I will be gone a few hours and the babies won't listen to me, I will get scared of the responsibility and I come back.

That is never happening again. I am making a plan and I have goals for ending this relationship/

1st of all - I am going to start putting away money each and every time that I have money for a new place to move into.

2nd of all - I am going to spend my extra time outside of working for Apple to work solely on my business. That is what I want to be doing and it is only my business what I am doing with my spare time.

3rd of all - I refuse to engage in a fight with him. If he starts to call me names - I WILL NOT RESPOND.  I will allow him to "vent" and as quickly as I can, if I can, I will walk away from the situation.

4th of all - I will look for a new place to move to daily. I am not that picky about the area I end up in.

5th of all - I will be as nice to him as possible.

I will be blogging daily from here on out. I really need somewhere to put words about how I feel and this seems like the perfect place.

Have you ever left a relationship like this? Did you find it hard?

I would love to hear feedback from others.


Love and Blessings.



Barb