It's Saturday

Well, today is Saturday. Will brought over the lawn mower to cut the lawn at our house.

Matt is staying at a friends house. I gave him $10.00 to take with him. I know the last 2 or 3 times that he's gone out - he went without any type of money.

Not that I think he should have money every single times he goes. I just think that from time to time, it's nice to give him money to spend.

He got offered a brand new mattress from one of the guys he works with. It's a $600 dollar mattress. I'm happy that Matt is going to have a nice mattress to sleep on.

I'm not happy about the fact that our relationship feels uncomfortable on an almost regular basis. I don't feel comfortable bringing up any issues or problems in our relationship. Usually, when I do, he gets very defensive. He then lashes out at me for attacking him.

Truthfully, I'm not even trying to attack him. I just think he gets defensive anytime that you try to set a boundary.

And that sucks. There should be boundaries in your relationship. A relationship should be healthy. It should make you feel good and not bad.

That's the biggest problem I know of. The fact that our relationship makes me feel bad inside. It's the never ending drama. It's the constant fighting and arguing over everything. It's being afraid to speak up and defend myself. It's having to give in and be the "bigger" man. It's being put down on a daily basis.

How do you change things when your partner is not willing to try and work things out? I mean, if at least we could acknowledge some of the issues then we could begin to solve some of them.

Things just don't change

It's been almost a month since I posted to my blog.

I found out that Will was reading my blog. I made some changes to it.

He got butt-hurt because it's about him. You know what I would do if someone wrote a blog about me? I would try to improve to make our relationship better.

It's not that way with him. He can't improve because he's perfect just the way he is.

And the fighting. We have been fighting again over stupid stuff. Nothing new but I was starting to believe that things were going to be okay finally.

I got another job. I was supposed to start yesterday.

This morning, Jaiden wanted to walk. Will got angry because he said he waited for us. Why not just let the child walk down to the street?

Let me tell you why. Because he loses control when he gives in to the demands of a 5 year old child.

Its insane and quite honestly - I feel like I'm done.

I'm sick of every single day being a fight. I've been to therapy. I've signed our daughter up for therapy.

It doesn't even matter because nothing changes.

I mean, I had to start this blog just to prove to myself that I'm not insane. I've got years worth of posts here and still - I stay.

Gratitude? From him? Never. He can't be grateful when he gets his joy in life from knocking me down.