It's finally done - I stopped the roller coaster

The Ups and Downs have got to be the biggest part of being in this type of a relationship.

It has taken me a very long time to realize exactly what was important in life. I used to think the most important thing was keeping my family together. I feel guilty and beat myself up wondering why that is. I mean - yes - keeping a family together is very important.

What's more important though? The most important thing is that our kids are healthy.  However, when you are lost in this type of relationship, survival seems like the only option open.

Don't rock the boat. Don't stir things up. Keep the peace to avoid being hurt. Yet, you still get hurt. Every single day.

I hear his voice in my head, "You don't have the balls to do that." "It's a good thing I came along, you never would have made it in life without me." "Why can't you just stay in bed? All I want is for you to sleep beside me and you can't even do that."

It just goes on and on and on.

I have the strength now. I am no longer afraid. I can conquer anything that comes at me in life. I am strong. I am sure of myself.

It wasn't always this way though. I truly believe that if I hadn't been so committed to getting out of this mess then I might have ended up dead. I don't know if it would have been at his hand or mine but it was always looming on the horizon.

I can't do it anymore. I finally hit my "rock bottom" as a drug addict might say. My brain is highly similar to that of a drug addict. Only I have been addicted to saving everybody but myself. I put every single persons value above my own.

I'm not anymore valuable then any other person in this world. I sure thought I wasn't deserving of happiness. I believed that I made my bed and I had to sleep in it. I made the decision that put me here.

That doesn't mean I couldn't change it.

How can you change it when you believe it so strongly?

It takes so much work. You have to put yourself first over and over and over and over.

Eventually, you find out that you are in love with you. I feel it now. I feel this connection to me, my inner child, my spiritual self, God, every single person and plant in this world. It feels better than anything I have ever felt in my life. It's just love. I feel this warm and soft feeling of love.

The best part? It's coming from inside of me. It's my inner light. I don't need another person to dictate to me who I am. I don't have to stay with someone who makes me unhappy. I deserve better than that. My children deserve better than that. They are going to have the most amazing life. I promise they will.

The kids have been struggling. Both my older boy and younger daughter. They are only 3 and 4 years old. My boy keeps having accidents. My partner wants to punish him for having accidents. I don't want to. It causes a lot of friction between us.

My daughter is aggressive. She has been hitting her teachers and running out the door (a safety issue).

It has been recommended that I get the children into therapy. That way we can figure out what is going on. He hates the idea of therapy. He wants no part of it. Why? Because there is nothing wrong with the kids or him. Everything is just fine the way it is.

It is not! Then we come to the issue of discipline. He thinks we should just beat them. Just spank them. That will solve everything.

It doesn't work because I hate the idea of spanking. I don't want to spank the kids. It's a personal choice and one that I made. So, he spanks them yesterday and I hide in the bathroom with the exhaust fan on. I cover my ears so I don't have to hear them cry and I cry. Tears roll down my cheeks and I hurt. I don't want my kids spanked. Hearing them scream in pain? I HATE IT.

So, I'm done. This is it. It's time for me to put a stop to this and move forward with a new life. I have to close the door on this relationship. It's unhealthy. Not only for me but especially for my children. I have to change this mess.

I will. I'll be in touch soon. Much love, light and gratitude.

Well, I did it.

I did end up leaving and taking the kids to the shelter.

As usual, I chickened out and came back home.

I can't understand why I can't get myself together and put a stop to this.

I realized he has access to all of my email accounts. He also checks the calls and texts on my phone.

Today I changed the passwords to everything that he can access. This is getting to be insane!

On a happy note, he has been Mr. Perfect for the last week. I hate when he acts that way. It hurts twice as bad when he goes back to being Mr. A**hole.

The crazy thing is - it's all mine!

The lease on the place we live, all the utilities, the car - it's all in my name.

I just can't seem to realize that I deserve to be treated like a person instead of a piece of property.

I don't have to do this anymore, though. I really don't. I deserve to be treated better. I am worth more than this.

The craziest part is that I feel responsible for him. My biggest concern? How will he take care of himself? Who is going to make sure he gets to work?

GAHHHH. Not my problem. Seriously. It isn't but I can't keep myself from feeling this way. I don't know why that is.

I guess I'm human

Wow,

I don't really know why I started this blog then just gave up but guess what?

I still haven't left yet. I mean, thats not entirely true. I have left but I keep coming back.

The plan is to pack up the kids and head back to the shelter tomorrow. There is so much that I need to do that I can't do more than drop a couple of lines but I promise - blog - this time I will come back and update you.

Pray for me...