Update

Honestly, I'm not a fan of posting to this blog these days. I like the fact that part of my story is documented. I dislike the fact that Will knows about this blog. He can come at any moment and read the things I have written here.

That makes me uncomfortable. This was a place I created to vent my feelings.

With that being said, I'm going to do an update post. It's likely that I will do one of these each month going forward. I feel that will be enough of a time frame to post what has been going on with me.

I decided that with my next paycheck - I am taking the kids and leaving. I'm going to move out with them. I know there will be many things on my plate that I am going to need to handle right away.

First of all, I am going to file for custody of the kids. Currently, nobody has custody. We are a couple but not married.

To avoid unnecessary future drama, I feel that establishing custody and visitation are going to be two very important items going forward. I also need to make sure that any contact that happens between us is documented via email. I am going to ask that he only communicate with me via email. This protects both of us from misunderstandings.

I also have to remind myself that once I leave - I am done. There can't be another chance. One of the big problems that I feel I have - is giving people way to many chances. We have had ample time to make this relationship into something viable. It hasn't happened yet. It's not going to happen.

I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Me, the kids and him. However, it's necessary. It's coming into 2018. I can't spend another year living to make anybody else happy. I need to spend this next year living to make myself happy.

That's all there is to it. I don't feel guilty. I used to feel insane amounts of guilt every single time I thought about walking away. It's not happening any longer.

I will put myself and the kids at the head of the table. Yes, this is going to be the hardest things that I have ever done in my entire life. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. I've always had someone else there to pick up the slack.

It's not going to be that way. I'm going to need to get the kids and I into counseling. I'm going to have to make therapy an important part of my recovery. I know that this is what I must do to become as strong and healthy as possible.

It's a hard thing. There isn't a soul in this world that looks forward to breaking up their family. Sometimes, though, you do what you have to do for yourself. You don't owe your partner anything. Especially not once things have turned toxic.

And hey, I'm not perfect either. I take responsibility for the choices I made that brought us to where we are. Just because I made those choices, though, doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of my life paying for them.

I love and value myself and my kids way to much to hold onto this unhealthy dynamic.

Just keep doing the best you can

I'm done whining and complaining about the state of my life. I feel like I've done way to much of that over the last few years.

Looking back on this blog - I see that I've complained a lot.

Complaining is just unproductive. What I need to be doing is taking action.

I'm going to work really hard going forward to focus on the good things that I have in my life.

I want to get my first product launched. It's important to me that I make building an online business my #1 focus right now.

The truth is - I need money to change my situation. Part of me thinks that if I had more money then it would be easier to make the decisions that I need to make.

I don't want the kids to have to do without. I have this huge fear that I'm not going to be able to provide for them.

School has been going really well. I took out a loan to help with getting moved into a new place.

I've been getting good grades.

Work is also going well. I am grateful to have a job that brings me income into the house on a consistent basis.

I've also been doing a good job of meditating more often. I'm trying to slow things down and honor my feelings more.

Baby steps but it's better than sitting around and hoping that life will get better.

I've really pissed him off now

I've been more outspoken this last week then I have over the entire last 8 years of my relationship with Will.

I am starting to really see that things in my life are much worse than I initially thought they were.

I have no doubt that there are people in the world who have lives much worse than mine.

That doesn't change the fact that I feel the situation I am currently living in is pretty severe.

I have been controlled and isolated for 8 years. I'm finally standing up and speaking about it.

I changed my Facebook password and even set my Facebook to prevent him from seeing any of my posts.

I thought that changing all of my passwords bought me a little bit of freedom. I was totally wrong about that.

He still found a way to go through my stuff. He found the post I made where I talked about what my life is like.

It was part of a challenge I joined last week. I had to write to someone I admired. I selected Lisa Nichols.

He was really angry when he saw what I wrote.

He felt like I exaggerated. He said I was a victim looking for sympathy.

Several times, when arguing this weekend, he has called me Destini. Destini is my daughter. He called me her name multiple times and told me that I was a liar like her.

The question then is why do I feel it's acceptable to be treated this way?

The answer is - I don't feel its acceptable. I feel that it is highly unacceptable.

I'm just in a position where there is not a ton that I can do to change things.

Money is an issue. I don't have a lot of money right now.

We got evicted from our home in August and things have been rough since then.

I don't have much extra money. I don't have first months rent and security to get moved into a new place. I would need about $1500 to be able to move out with the kids.

How do I save up that amount and pay for all of our living expenses which include car insurance, gas, rent, utilities and food?

I work but I only make about $750 every two weeks. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

It's entirely possible that I simply have a victim mindset and I am waiting for somebody to come and rescue me.

That's what he says. I just want some white knight to come rolling in.

It's nice when someone else can tell you what your reality is, isn't it?

The biggest issue I feel like I have right now is that my brain is broken. I don't feel that I can trust myself to make decisions. I doubt everything about myself.

I don't even know if I'm real anymore.

Am I even living or is this a nightmare that I can't wake up from?