Crazy Good News

I got some crazy news today. I found out that my tax return is going to be around $5,000. This made me beyond happy. Even if it is only $3,000 - that is more than enough to get back on my feet. I can't believe it. My car is falling apart. I need $1000 dollars to pay the housing authority. Once they are paid, I will be able to get some type of assisted housing. I can't believe that as worried as I have been - things are really going to be okay. I can finally have the life that I want to live. And way sooner than I thought I would. It's going to be hard but I have to keep myself in check. I need to make sure that I am doing everything I need to do to keep things peaceful at home. Just hang in there, Barb. Your time is coming soon. Soon you can make videos. Soon you can create online courses. Soon you will have the life you deserve. Just you and your kids again.

I found this message on 12/1/18. Guess who stayed another year? I had the money and guess what I did with it? I put almost $3,000 down on a car for the both of us. I barely ever get to drive it. Will doesn't let me. What did staying another year get me? Absolutely nothing. I went to breakfast with Will today and Christina and her Mom came. Mark, a guy that works at Wal-Mart and has a crush on Christina showed up as well. He was angry and threw a fit. He barley talked to me at breakfast or after. I cried in the car. He didn't care. He will never care. Don't waste another year on this man, Barb. Get the fuck out NOW.

Start of a New Year

It's the start of a brand new year. There are many things that I want to accomplish.

I've made several resolutions for the New Year.

First of all, I have to complete my membership site and start driving traffic.

I want to post a blog post each and every week.

I want to do a product launch every single month.

I also want to make more videos.

I always get stuck on the videos part. You need to make videos to sell products. You need to make videos if you want to post to YouTube.

It's been hard at this point to do videos. Will isn't a fan of me doing them. I don't want to make one and have him get upset. I avoid creating videos because I want to avoid a fight.

He will get upset. Anytime I try to do or say anything that he isn't feeling - he gets angry at me.

He told me the other day that I will never make any money online. That I'm still wasting my time with this dream I have.

It scares me when he gets mad. Yesterday, he ripped the hand rail off the stairs. Suzy has been picking the screws up. She said she didn't want anybody getting hurt.

Then, last night,we got into an argument over something silly. He had purchased a Reese's for me at the store. I threw it because he was yelling at me. He took it out in the hallway and stomped on it.

I heard the kids in the room asking what happened.

I want to chose a different life for my kids. I can't though.

I can't pick a different life because when I try to leave - he panics.

I can't even tell him how I feel because he gets angry. He yells and breaks things.

The best part? He says that's not true. If you asked him right now if my leaving triggers his anger - he would be like, "No, that's not true."

It's crazy but that's just how it is.

I shouldn't even be writing this. I promised not to complain on my blog.

I can't help it. I desperately want to be happy. I'm told over and over again that it's my fault my life is the way it is.

Why is it so hard for me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve to have the feelings I have.

Update

Honestly, I'm not a fan of posting to this blog these days. I like the fact that part of my story is documented. I dislike the fact that Will knows about this blog. He can come at any moment and read the things I have written here.

That makes me uncomfortable. This was a place I created to vent my feelings.

With that being said, I'm going to do an update post. It's likely that I will do one of these each month going forward. I feel that will be enough of a time frame to post what has been going on with me.

I decided that with my next paycheck - I am taking the kids and leaving. I'm going to move out with them. I know there will be many things on my plate that I am going to need to handle right away.

First of all, I am going to file for custody of the kids. Currently, nobody has custody. We are a couple but not married.

To avoid unnecessary future drama, I feel that establishing custody and visitation are going to be two very important items going forward. I also need to make sure that any contact that happens between us is documented via email. I am going to ask that he only communicate with me via email. This protects both of us from misunderstandings.

I also have to remind myself that once I leave - I am done. There can't be another chance. One of the big problems that I feel I have - is giving people way to many chances. We have had ample time to make this relationship into something viable. It hasn't happened yet. It's not going to happen.

I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Me, the kids and him. However, it's necessary. It's coming into 2018. I can't spend another year living to make anybody else happy. I need to spend this next year living to make myself happy.

That's all there is to it. I don't feel guilty. I used to feel insane amounts of guilt every single time I thought about walking away. It's not happening any longer.

I will put myself and the kids at the head of the table. Yes, this is going to be the hardest things that I have ever done in my entire life. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. I've always had someone else there to pick up the slack.

It's not going to be that way. I'm going to need to get the kids and I into counseling. I'm going to have to make therapy an important part of my recovery. I know that this is what I must do to become as strong and healthy as possible.

It's a hard thing. There isn't a soul in this world that looks forward to breaking up their family. Sometimes, though, you do what you have to do for yourself. You don't owe your partner anything. Especially not once things have turned toxic.

And hey, I'm not perfect either. I take responsibility for the choices I made that brought us to where we are. Just because I made those choices, though, doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of my life paying for them.

I love and value myself and my kids way to much to hold onto this unhealthy dynamic.

Just keep doing the best you can

I'm done whining and complaining about the state of my life. I feel like I've done way to much of that over the last few years.

Looking back on this blog - I see that I've complained a lot.

Complaining is just unproductive. What I need to be doing is taking action.

I'm going to work really hard going forward to focus on the good things that I have in my life.

I want to get my first product launched. It's important to me that I make building an online business my #1 focus right now.

The truth is - I need money to change my situation. Part of me thinks that if I had more money then it would be easier to make the decisions that I need to make.

I don't want the kids to have to do without. I have this huge fear that I'm not going to be able to provide for them.

School has been going really well. I took out a loan to help with getting moved into a new place.

I've been getting good grades.

Work is also going well. I am grateful to have a job that brings me income into the house on a consistent basis.

I've also been doing a good job of meditating more often. I'm trying to slow things down and honor my feelings more.

Baby steps but it's better than sitting around and hoping that life will get better.

I've really pissed him off now

I've been more outspoken this last week then I have over the entire last 8 years of my relationship with Will.

I am starting to really see that things in my life are much worse than I initially thought they were.

I have no doubt that there are people in the world who have lives much worse than mine.

That doesn't change the fact that I feel the situation I am currently living in is pretty severe.

I have been controlled and isolated for 8 years. I'm finally standing up and speaking about it.

I changed my Facebook password and even set my Facebook to prevent him from seeing any of my posts.

I thought that changing all of my passwords bought me a little bit of freedom. I was totally wrong about that.

He still found a way to go through my stuff. He found the post I made where I talked about what my life is like.

It was part of a challenge I joined last week. I had to write to someone I admired. I selected Lisa Nichols.

He was really angry when he saw what I wrote.

He felt like I exaggerated. He said I was a victim looking for sympathy.

Several times, when arguing this weekend, he has called me Destini. Destini is my daughter. He called me her name multiple times and told me that I was a liar like her.

The question then is why do I feel it's acceptable to be treated this way?

The answer is - I don't feel its acceptable. I feel that it is highly unacceptable.

I'm just in a position where there is not a ton that I can do to change things.

Money is an issue. I don't have a lot of money right now.

We got evicted from our home in August and things have been rough since then.

I don't have much extra money. I don't have first months rent and security to get moved into a new place. I would need about $1500 to be able to move out with the kids.

How do I save up that amount and pay for all of our living expenses which include car insurance, gas, rent, utilities and food?

I work but I only make about $750 every two weeks. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

It's entirely possible that I simply have a victim mindset and I am waiting for somebody to come and rescue me.

That's what he says. I just want some white knight to come rolling in.

It's nice when someone else can tell you what your reality is, isn't it?

The biggest issue I feel like I have right now is that my brain is broken. I don't feel that I can trust myself to make decisions. I doubt everything about myself.

I don't even know if I'm real anymore.

Am I even living or is this a nightmare that I can't wake up from?

We had a crazy weekend here at home. It all started on Saturday morning when I woke up around 7:30 AM.

Suzy and Jaiden were up already. I was still in bed. I heard Suzy start crying really loudly downstairs and I heard her being spanked.

I have PTSD and spanking is a trigger for me. I don't like to spank my kids. I never have. It's something that we have talked about multiple times.

At one point, we actually had to meet with CYS (Children and Youth Services) and they reminded him that he has permission to spank the kids - but that he can't leave a mark.

I guess what I mean is that this was not a new issue for us. He already knows that I have a problem with this happening.

So, when I go downstairs, I know that he has spanked them and I'm not happy. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me but I was upset.

Around 11 AM, my daughters shirt came up and I noticed a huge hand print on her bottom. I could see the outline of the hand and I was livid.

I wanted to take a picture but I knew I couldn't. He has had my phone for almost the last month because his broke. Which is fine. It's not like I mind sharing my phone.

The problem with that, though, was that he didn't even bother to ask. And when I would bring it up, he would tell me that most spouses (Yeah, we aren't even married...) should be glad to help their partner out by sharing their phone with them.

Besides, I don't leave to go to work, so why do I really need a phone?

Which is bullshit. I need a phone because I want a phone. And, because the phone he took from me, was my phone. I pay the bill on it and at the end of the day, it's my phone. Why should I even need to explain that?

So, like I said, I couldn't even take a picture. Even though I really wanted to document the fact that Suzy was being spanked again when I asked that it not happen.

He let me take the car (which is my car - again - by the way) and go to the store to get cigarettes. Which I did. Then, I drove to Wal-Mart.

I had just gotten paid and I had my paycheck on my card. I ran into Wal-Mart and I bought myself a cheap phone. I then sat in the parking lot and activated it.

I called my therapist at the shelter and told her what happened and I was really upset. She recommended that I go back home and get the kids.

I told her that wasn't happening. That if I go back, there isn't a way for me to get back out again.

She called the state police (we live in a rural area) and they said they would meet me at my house.

I rushed over there and the police turned down my street and went right past our house. I had to follow them and flag them down to get them to turn around.

We go back to my house and the police are telling him that we need to separate and cool off. They let him know I'll be leaving with the kids.

Of course, he has my son fresh out of the shower and says we were just getting ready to take the kids to see Santa.

The whole time, he keeps saying that I should have communicated with him and told him how I was feeling. I told him I couldn't. Every-time I try to have a conversation and communicate with him; he shuts down and won't talk to me.

NOTHING ever really gets resolved.

I think things will be fine. I'll get the kids ready and we will be off.

Turns out, there wasn't a warrant for my arrest for a failure to appear over a parking ticket of all things. The police say if I can pay $135 dollars right then I will be free to get in the car and leave.

I made a split second decision. I didn't want the kids to miss out on seeing Santa but I really needed a break. Plus, he always said if I took the car he would't be able to get around.

I told the police to go ahead and take me into custody. Even though I had the money, I just wanted to get away right in that moment. It might not have been the best decision but it worked for me.

The officer took me to meet the officer from the county where the fine was due. The put handcuffs on me and placed me into the car. My one regret is that the kids had to see me that way.

The officer picked me up and took me to the ATM to get the money.

I made up my mind that I was going to rent a hotel room alone for the night. I thought it might be pretty relaxing to spend a whole night by myself. It's not something that I usually get to do.

When I took the money from the ATM - I forgot to get my car. The ATM must have sucked it back in but I didn't notice until later.

The officer let me make a call and I reached out to my Grandmother. She basically told me that I only reach out to her when I need something. It really hurt my feelings because I was hoping that at least one of my family members would be understanding.

I get it. I understand why my family gets upset that I don't keep in touch. They don't understand my life, though. They don't understand that I have no control over what happens. It feels like he runs everything and I don't ever get to make a decision.

So, after all that, at the end of the day - I ended up calling him to come and pick me up. I didn't have the money for a hotel and no place to go.

I'm not even allowed at the shelter again unless there is a violent incident at home. I've just cried wolf to many times for people to even believe me.

Story of my life...

Does anybody even read these?

Does anybody even see these posts.

I don't think they do. I don't even know why I still post on here.

My life hasn't changed at all since my last update. There is still tension at home. Fighting and drama.

I want to make a change but the thought of making changes makes me more afraid than actually changing.

I have complex PTSD. Is that why?

On top of it, I looked at the profile of someone I was in the hospital with. It's a guy.

Of course, Will got upset and mad. I don't blame him. I would be mad at him if he looked up a girls profile.

Do you want to know the truth though?

This guy and I became friends in the hospital. Nothing more than that.

It doesn't even matter though. Will's phone broke a couple of weeks ago and now he has mine.

He's been using it for the last few weeks. I paid the bill last week and I haven't even been able to hold onto it.

It's mine though. Shouldn't I have access to my own phone?

Not in this house I don't.

He told me tonight that I spend to much time on Facebook. He also told me that I needed to give up my dream of building an information marketing business. He told me I am just wasting my time.

How is it his right to decide what I can and cannot do with me? Why did I hand over the reins and allow another human being to decide my life for me?