I've really pissed him off now

I've been more outspoken this last week then I have over the entire last 8 years of my relationship with Will.

I am starting to really see that things in my life are much worse than I initially thought they were.

I have no doubt that there are people in the world who have lives much worse than mine.

That doesn't change the fact that I feel the situation I am currently living in is pretty severe.

I have been controlled and isolated for 8 years. I'm finally standing up and speaking about it.

I changed my Facebook password and even set my Facebook to prevent him from seeing any of my posts.

I thought that changing all of my passwords bought me a little bit of freedom. I was totally wrong about that.

He still found a way to go through my stuff. He found the post I made where I talked about what my life is like.

It was part of a challenge I joined last week. I had to write to someone I admired. I selected Lisa Nichols.

He was really angry when he saw what I wrote.

He felt like I exaggerated. He said I was a victim looking for sympathy.

Several times, when arguing this weekend, he has called me Destini. Destini is my daughter. He called me her name multiple times and told me that I was a liar like her.

The question then is why do I feel it's acceptable to be treated this way?

The answer is - I don't feel its acceptable. I feel that it is highly unacceptable.

I'm just in a position where there is not a ton that I can do to change things.

Money is an issue. I don't have a lot of money right now.

We got evicted from our home in August and things have been rough since then.

I don't have much extra money. I don't have first months rent and security to get moved into a new place. I would need about $1500 to be able to move out with the kids.

How do I save up that amount and pay for all of our living expenses which include car insurance, gas, rent, utilities and food?

I work but I only make about $750 every two weeks. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

It's entirely possible that I simply have a victim mindset and I am waiting for somebody to come and rescue me.

That's what he says. I just want some white knight to come rolling in.

It's nice when someone else can tell you what your reality is, isn't it?

The biggest issue I feel like I have right now is that my brain is broken. I don't feel that I can trust myself to make decisions. I doubt everything about myself.

I don't even know if I'm real anymore.

Am I even living or is this a nightmare that I can't wake up from?

We had a crazy weekend here at home. It all started on Saturday morning when I woke up around 7:30 AM.

Suzy and Jaiden were up already. I was still in bed. I heard Suzy start crying really loudly downstairs and I heard her being spanked.

I have PTSD and spanking is a trigger for me. I don't like to spank my kids. I never have. It's something that we have talked about multiple times.

At one point, we actually had to meet with CYS (Children and Youth Services) and they reminded him that he has permission to spank the kids - but that he can't leave a mark.

I guess what I mean is that this was not a new issue for us. He already knows that I have a problem with this happening.

So, when I go downstairs, I know that he has spanked them and I'm not happy. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me but I was upset.

Around 11 AM, my daughters shirt came up and I noticed a huge hand print on her bottom. I could see the outline of the hand and I was livid.

I wanted to take a picture but I knew I couldn't. He has had my phone for almost the last month because his broke. Which is fine. It's not like I mind sharing my phone.

The problem with that, though, was that he didn't even bother to ask. And when I would bring it up, he would tell me that most spouses (Yeah, we aren't even married...) should be glad to help their partner out by sharing their phone with them.

Besides, I don't leave to go to work, so why do I really need a phone?

Which is bullshit. I need a phone because I want a phone. And, because the phone he took from me, was my phone. I pay the bill on it and at the end of the day, it's my phone. Why should I even need to explain that?

So, like I said, I couldn't even take a picture. Even though I really wanted to document the fact that Suzy was being spanked again when I asked that it not happen.

He let me take the car (which is my car - again - by the way) and go to the store to get cigarettes. Which I did. Then, I drove to Wal-Mart.

I had just gotten paid and I had my paycheck on my card. I ran into Wal-Mart and I bought myself a cheap phone. I then sat in the parking lot and activated it.

I called my therapist at the shelter and told her what happened and I was really upset. She recommended that I go back home and get the kids.

I told her that wasn't happening. That if I go back, there isn't a way for me to get back out again.

She called the state police (we live in a rural area) and they said they would meet me at my house.

I rushed over there and the police turned down my street and went right past our house. I had to follow them and flag them down to get them to turn around.

We go back to my house and the police are telling him that we need to separate and cool off. They let him know I'll be leaving with the kids.

Of course, he has my son fresh out of the shower and says we were just getting ready to take the kids to see Santa.

The whole time, he keeps saying that I should have communicated with him and told him how I was feeling. I told him I couldn't. Every-time I try to have a conversation and communicate with him; he shuts down and won't talk to me.

NOTHING ever really gets resolved.

I think things will be fine. I'll get the kids ready and we will be off.

Turns out, there wasn't a warrant for my arrest for a failure to appear over a parking ticket of all things. The police say if I can pay $135 dollars right then I will be free to get in the car and leave.

I made a split second decision. I didn't want the kids to miss out on seeing Santa but I really needed a break. Plus, he always said if I took the car he would't be able to get around.

I told the police to go ahead and take me into custody. Even though I had the money, I just wanted to get away right in that moment. It might not have been the best decision but it worked for me.

The officer took me to meet the officer from the county where the fine was due. The put handcuffs on me and placed me into the car. My one regret is that the kids had to see me that way.

The officer picked me up and took me to the ATM to get the money.

I made up my mind that I was going to rent a hotel room alone for the night. I thought it might be pretty relaxing to spend a whole night by myself. It's not something that I usually get to do.

When I took the money from the ATM - I forgot to get my car. The ATM must have sucked it back in but I didn't notice until later.

The officer let me make a call and I reached out to my Grandmother. She basically told me that I only reach out to her when I need something. It really hurt my feelings because I was hoping that at least one of my family members would be understanding.

I get it. I understand why my family gets upset that I don't keep in touch. They don't understand my life, though. They don't understand that I have no control over what happens. It feels like he runs everything and I don't ever get to make a decision.

So, after all that, at the end of the day - I ended up calling him to come and pick me up. I didn't have the money for a hotel and no place to go.

I'm not even allowed at the shelter again unless there is a violent incident at home. I've just cried wolf to many times for people to even believe me.

Story of my life...

Does anybody even read these?

Does anybody even see these posts.

I don't think they do. I don't even know why I still post on here.

My life hasn't changed at all since my last update. There is still tension at home. Fighting and drama.

I want to make a change but the thought of making changes makes me more afraid than actually changing.

I have complex PTSD. Is that why?

On top of it, I looked at the profile of someone I was in the hospital with. It's a guy.

Of course, Will got upset and mad. I don't blame him. I would be mad at him if he looked up a girls profile.

Do you want to know the truth though?

This guy and I became friends in the hospital. Nothing more than that.

It doesn't even matter though. Will's phone broke a couple of weeks ago and now he has mine.

He's been using it for the last few weeks. I paid the bill last week and I haven't even been able to hold onto it.

It's mine though. Shouldn't I have access to my own phone?

Not in this house I don't.

He told me tonight that I spend to much time on Facebook. He also told me that I needed to give up my dream of building an information marketing business. He told me I am just wasting my time.

How is it his right to decide what I can and cannot do with me? Why did I hand over the reins and allow another human being to decide my life for me?

It's Saturday

Well, today is Saturday. Will brought over the lawn mower to cut the lawn at our house.

Matt is staying at a friends house. I gave him $10.00 to take with him. I know the last 2 or 3 times that he's gone out - he went without any type of money.

Not that I think he should have money every single times he goes. I just think that from time to time, it's nice to give him money to spend.

He got offered a brand new mattress from one of the guys he works with. It's a $600 dollar mattress. I'm happy that Matt is going to have a nice mattress to sleep on.

I'm not happy about the fact that our relationship feels uncomfortable on an almost regular basis. I don't feel comfortable bringing up any issues or problems in our relationship. Usually, when I do, he gets very defensive. He then lashes out at me for attacking him.

Truthfully, I'm not even trying to attack him. I just think he gets defensive anytime that you try to set a boundary.

And that sucks. There should be boundaries in your relationship. A relationship should be healthy. It should make you feel good and not bad.

That's the biggest problem I know of. The fact that our relationship makes me feel bad inside. It's the never ending drama. It's the constant fighting and arguing over everything. It's being afraid to speak up and defend myself. It's having to give in and be the "bigger" man. It's being put down on a daily basis.

How do you change things when your partner is not willing to try and work things out? I mean, if at least we could acknowledge some of the issues then we could begin to solve some of them.

Things just don't change

It's been almost a month since I posted to my blog.

I found out that Will was reading my blog. I made some changes to it.

He got butt-hurt because it's about him. You know what I would do if someone wrote a blog about me? I would try to improve to make our relationship better.

It's not that way with him. He can't improve because he's perfect just the way he is.

And the fighting. We have been fighting again over stupid stuff. Nothing new but I was starting to believe that things were going to be okay finally.

I got another job. I was supposed to start yesterday.

This morning, Jaiden wanted to walk. Will got angry because he said he waited for us. Why not just let the child walk down to the street?

Let me tell you why. Because he loses control when he gives in to the demands of a 5 year old child.

Its insane and quite honestly - I feel like I'm done.

I'm sick of every single day being a fight. I've been to therapy. I've signed our daughter up for therapy.

It doesn't even matter because nothing changes.

I mean, I had to start this blog just to prove to myself that I'm not insane. I've got years worth of posts here and still - I stay.

Gratitude? From him? Never. He can't be grateful when he gets his joy in life from knocking me down.

It's been awhile - update on my crazy life

It's been a little while since I updated this blog. Life hasn't been peachy. I don't even honestly know if it's on the way back up again.

I'm at the library doing my school work. I've got two more weeks left of my classes before it's time for another class.

I can't wait until I graduate and receive my Associates degree. I have already decided that once I do, I am going back to school and getting my Bachelors degree.

We made it through our eviction and we were staying at a hotel. We found a house to rent. It only costs us $275.00 to move in. (Not any of my money - let's be clear that it was Will who was able to rent us a place to live..)

Speaking of Will, he's been reading my blog and decided to throw it in my face that I feel that he has a personality disorder. Let's be perfectly clear. I believe that the relationship I have with Will is a highly toxic relationship. He may be guilty and I may be guilty. Regardless of what the source is of the toxicity - the fact is - it exists.

We fight consistently. As a matter of fact, we had a fight already this morning. We got into an argument this morning. The crazy part of our argument is that I don't even remember exactly what we got started fighting over. Will said he was going to have someone from work give him a ride. It went on for a good 10 to 15 minutes before I just ended up driving him.

See, the problem is, I hate to fight. I am so sick and tired of fighting all the time. It gets old. Will doesn't trust me because there was a point in time where I talked to another man behind his back. I had an ad on Craigslist. I was lonely. It was risky. I did end up meeting someone at a Dunkin Donuts and the insane part of the whole thing is that I have been 100% honest with Will about the entire incident. I may have been dishonest but I owned up to my mistake.

Still - he throws it in my face on an almost daily basis. What I can't understand about the whole damned thing - is that if what I did is that terrible - then he needs to break up with me. Right? If your partner created an Ad on Craigslist and talked to other guys behind your back and EVEN went so far as to meet one .. would they still be your partner?

What if that wasn't the first time they did such a thing? What if you couldn't trust them AT all? Would you stay? Most people would not. Most people would recognize that the situation is toxic and they would strive to create a healthy life for themselves no matter how much they love their partner. At some point, you just have to say, enough is enough.

Maybe I vented to much here but I'm all about honesty. I'm really tired of being told that I'm a bad person. I'm sick of not feeling supported by Will. He can get butt-hurt all he wants but our relationship is toxic and unhealthy. I'm calling it for what it is.

I got a new job and I start on Monday. I'm going to be doing customer support again at an office. The hours are 8 to 4:30 but I am struggling to figure out daycare. My 5 year old starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and Suzy can go to headstart. I talked to them today and they said they don't have a bus that can bring her. I said, thats ok. I'm going to work in that town and I can bring her to the daycare and the bus can pick her up there.

That gets me a discount on daycare because headstart (for 5 hours a day) is free.

I've been so pathetically broke for the last couple of months. It's been really hard. I finally got my Fiverr money that I earned the other day. (It was $75.00) and will actually gave me $45.00. I think I went crazy because I spent $30.00 on my hair and $20.00 of it on a shirt and makeup. The rest I spent on the family and gas. Will kept reminding me of how broke we were and was a little angry at me for spending it.

I mean, I guess I can understand but I just wanted to do something nice for myself because it's been so long since I did.

I'm going to pray really hard the next few days that this job works out and that daycare gets situated. I have GOT to start making money. I don't know if you know what its like to be so broke that you have to decided between gas money or food for your kids but it sucks ass.

Til next time ..

I did it again

And no, this is not a Britney Spears song. 

I took the kids yesterday and went back to the shelter. I packed up what I could manage to fit into my car and I took all three of them to the shelter with me. 

When we got there, the kids were off the wall wild (as they usually are in a new place..) and they kept running into the bedrooms of the other women who were staying there. 

I also found out that Will has been reading my blog so I honestly think I am going to abandon writing here. I thought it was safe to post here. I was wrong. 

He sent me a message yesterday. I messaged him and told him I went to the shelter. Now, let's take a good hard look at this, ok? My son told me (my 15-year-old) that Will has been asking him if I left yet. That means that he already had an idea that I want to leave. 

Not only that, since he has been reading this blog, he knows exactly how I am feeling. Yet, he still tells me I am just a victim. 

Back to the message I got last night when he realized I was gone. I messaged him and said I had taken the kids to the shelter. He messaged me a long message and told me I was a liar. That he had saved up all kinds of dirt on me and that he was going to show it all to my kids. I remember the last line of the message said if he never sees me again it will be to fucking soon and he hates me.

Let me tell you how broken my brain is. Despite all of the nasty things he said to me - I came back here. Where else am I going to go? I have nowhere to go. 

He deleted the nasty message he sent to me before I got up this morning. I'm sure he also spent a good hour or so combing through my phone to make sure I'm being good. 

Like I said, I won't be posting to this blog any longer. What difference would it really make anyway?